I'm at a loss for words

As we get closer and closer to the egg retrieval I keep thinking I should sit down and write my letter to the egg donor. I'm so excited to express myself to her, but at the same time what can you say to a stranger who is doing something so miraculous as this?!?!? It's hard to start knowing I want to include everything about myself because it may be the only contact we have. I asked the egg donor agency what the egg donor knows about me. They said that she was probably told some general reasons why I picked her but she may or may not know about me being single. The big question is whether or not to tell her I'm gay. I hope that she is happy to know that her eggs are going to a Jewish interpreter. Considering she is Jewish and getting her PhD in linguistics I'm thinking she'll be happy with that. And while most educated people and most secular Jews are not ridiculously homophobic, I do wonder if she would regret donating to help a gay man become a father. Considering the amazing support I have received middle-aged Republican co-workers and grandmothers and manly sports fanatics I highly doubt that she'll have an issue. Nowadays gay parents are becoming more and more common and people have less and less of an issue with it. So I'm pretty sure I'll tell her. I'm not the type of person to hide who I am so why start now.

I was also at a loss for words last night when my interpreting partner bought me a baby gift. I know my mom had bought a gift for the baby a little while ago. She has it in New York. This co-worker's gift was the first one I actually saw and held in my hands. It made it all a little more real. Now that I have contract due dates (in July) and egg retrieval dates (in August) and those dates are coming faster and faster things are becoming more real to me. The fear, the joy, the doubt, and the excitement are all becoming more intense.

Now I'm off to read my 39 page contract with my surrogate. Yep...39 pages. It even includes a two page table of contents. Should i be signing a document so big that it has a table of contents??? I can't decide if 39 pages longer or shorter than I expected. But I definitely know that we won't be including the nitty-gritty contract details in the movie. No one wants to see that. They want to know how I'm preparing for my second, third and possibly fourth donation and if it's as crazy an experience as the first one.

The doctor is in

I feel like I've been on hold for so long waiting for the next big step. My doctor was out of town (I think out of the country) for about a month and he just got back at the beginning of June. The two women - the egg donor and the surrogate - could finally go and get medical clearance.

The egg donor went on Monday and the surrogate went on Tuesday. Both have been tentatively approved. I have to wait for their blood work to come back and that takes about a week. After that the surrogate will be officially approved and I can go ahead and start with her contract. The egg donor got blood work as well that we'll get back in a week but she also did the same kind of genetic testing I did and that takes about a month to get back. So I think my lawyer and I can get the contract ready (it pretty much is ready) and as soon as we get the results we can ask her to look over the contract and see if she approves of it.

That means I'm kind of on hold again for a little bit.

I do want to write my letter to the egg donor. The egg donor agency I am with encourages parents to write a letter to the egg donor. I believe they said that one letter is usually sent if/when there is a pregnancy and the second letter is usually sent when the child is born. I definitely want to write at least two letters to the egg donor. I think this woman, who is getting her PhD in linguistics and is a donor because she read about the lack of Jewish donors, would be happy to know I come from a Jewish family and I work as an interpreter. (Shhh...we won't tell her I haven't been to synagogue in ages and I worked last Rosh Hashana. We can include that I make potato latkes every year for Channukah, though.) I'm not sure if she gets any information about me at all. I need to ask the agency about that because I'm curious.

A side note is that I ran a half marathon today. I'm not a runner. About two years ago I couldn't even run a mile. But I watch "The Biggest Loser" and watch obese people run full marathons and decided I had no more excuses. I could do a half marathon.

I ran it slowly. I walked part of the way. I'm sore. But there were moments when I thought to myself that if I can run a half marathon - something I never thought I could do - then other things are possible too. The marathon is a mental game more than a physical one and I succeeded so it makes me feel I can succeed in other things too. My crazy, scary, amazing journey of having a child has made me a stronger person as well and if I can do that then 13.1 miles is an easy challenge in my life. During all the stress that life will bring over the next year (and 18 years) I will try to remember that I can do more than I think.

My other little story deals with a guy I started dating. At the last minute I decided to invite him to my birthday dinner on Thursday. I wasn't really sure if he would come or not because going to dinner with a dozen of your date's friends is always overwhelming when anyone starts a new relationship. But he was very sweet and did come.

Right before dinner started I realized that one of my friends might ask me about the baby. I hadn't told him yet. We had had about three dates and I was planning on telling him soon because he should know of my major life plans and it looked like we were both interested in seeing each other more so I couldn't (and shouldn't) hide it for much longer. I pulled him aside and told him of my whole surrogacy/egg donor/baby plans. He told me that for me to do something like this takes a lot of commitment and courage and he sees that I don't back away from a challenge and that is admirable to him.

Whether or not we live happily ever after is not my point of telling this story. The nice thing for me is to see that there are men out there who will not be so scared by this that they will run away screaming. I really felt like dating was going to be impossible since starting this journey. It's good to know that while it may be tough or improbable, love may just happen for me. I need to find someone really hot to play him in the movie! ;-)

Consang-what?

Paperwork sent to set up escrow account: check

Contract signed with egg donation agency: check

Learned the definition of consanguinity: check

Spit into a...

Wait. Consang-what???

Yep. There's a term for you linguists out there. Consanguinity has to do with the mixing of DNA (blood) from people who are biologically related. There must be a way to prevent my future child from possibly marrying my egg donor's future child. And, since we don't know each others' names, how many children I might have, how many children she might have, etc. we have to figure out a way to know about each other without knowing about each other.

Lawyers are pretty smart. When we sign our contract we can't sign our names. I am "Intended Father Y" and she is "Egg Donor Z" and we literally sign our contracts that way. My lawyer then keeps a paper saying that "Intended Father Y" really stands for my name and her lawyer keeps a signed paper from the egg donor stating she is "Egg Donor Z." Pretty tricky! That keeps thinks anonymous. The one piece of information we learn about each other is I get her birthday and she gets mine. It didn't make sense to me at first. Why doesn't she get my child's birth date? Well, apparently some egg donors go to, for example, Northwestern Hospital to donate their eggs so it is assumed (not always correctly) that the baby will then be born at Northwestern. If the egg donor did a little research she may find that only 5 babies were born at Northwestern Hospital on a particular day and it would be tempting and relatively easy to breach confidentiality. So we only know each others' birthdays. So when my little Mikey grows up and meets little Michelle and they want to fall in love, I can find out if my son's future mother-in-law was born on July 14th, 1982 or whatever particular date I get from the agency. If she has that birthday we may want to make sure Mikey and Michelle aren't half-siblings. But is that's not her birthday Mikey and Michelle can get married and live happily ever after and not have babies with three heads and one arm.

The egg donor contract is pretty standard. There are only three points to discuss right now. I have the option to do three things with the embryos I make: keep them, throw them away/donate to science, or give them to another person/couple. The egg donor has the right to veto my third option. I highly doubt I'll give them away to someone else. If she vetoes that option I will understand. We also have to work out a little bit of compensation since she will be traveling in from out of town so I have to put her up in a hotel and give her per diem. No biggie. The last issue might get sticky.

There is something called the Donor Sibling Registry. It's a website that basically allows anonymous donors to contact their children. It also allows half siblings (if my egg donor donates again my child will have a half-sibling) to contact each other. It's a long and complicated explanation as to how this all happens and there's no guarantee it will happen. But I like the idea that years from now there is the teeny, tiny, possibility that my child might have some contact with the egg donor.

Over the last week or two I've thought about this a lot. If the donor says she's not interested in doing this, I'm ok with it. At first I didn't like the idea of having absolutely no chance of any sort of contact. But I've also slowly but surely come to realize that an egg donor is not a mother. An egg donor is not a part of my child's life. An egg donor is simply an egg...no more no less. And I also get that this woman might be 45 years old with her own family and job and life and having someone new pop up after 18 years is a potentially tumultuous situation.

I do hope the egg donor is open to being on the registry. But if she's not, my child and I will be fine without that option. I'll keep you posted.

Another sign

I had a friend come over and we had Chinese food tonight. Right before he left I packed up his leftovers and saw that there were four fortune cookies in the bag. I said to myself, "I'll take one."

I open it up and it says:

"Remember three months from this date. Good things are in store for you."

The fertility doctor plans a few days a month to do all of the egg retrievals. The one in August, which is the one I plan to do if all goes well, would be around August 18th to August 21st according to the IVF coordinator.

Look at the date today. Looks like the universe is trying to tell me something again. :-)

Eggs!

A couple weeks ago I went to a psychologist to see if she could help me figure out the pros and cons of using an anonymous donor vs. a friend/known donor. Near the beginning of the meeting the doctor asked me if I had a partner. I told her no. I'm single. She told me that I could find someone. She then "lectured" me for about 3 minutes on how I should use match.com to find a man. I told her I had tried match.com and didn't have any luck. Again, she fixated on the idea that I could find a man.

Hey...crazy lady...we're talking about egg donors, not my dating life!!!

I need to make sure I find a kooky actress to play her in the movie. I'm thinking Carol Channing or Betty White.

The psychologist also told me that the mean IVF nurse mentioned that I just wrote the nicest email. I had recently sent an email to the nasty nurse and swallowed my pride and thanked her profusely for all the work she had done. I thought maybe killing her with kindness would make her nicer. Apparently it worked. I guess this nurse was touched by my email. She is working double time because her co-worker is off for a while. Guess I need to re-think this casting and make her the "hooker with the heart of gold" type in the film.

Eventually we got to my issue. The crazy woman actually had a point that changed my whole thought process. She said the donor is not a mother and I should think about the fact that there is a genetic contribution and a parent which are two separate concepts. Thinking about that was somewhat comforting. Just because someone made a baby doesn't mean that is the baby's family. I hope that I'll be able to provide a life for my child that is sufficient and fulfilling enough that the genetic part isn't a concern. The life that he/she has will hopefully be enough.

The doctor also mentioned that there is a possibility of future contact with the donor and I should ask the donor how she feels about it. So I talked with the egg donation agency and they brought up the issue with the egg donor. Nothing will be determined for a little while. First the egg donor has to be medically approved. If we start negotiating a contract then we'll discuss the possibility of contact more seriously. I asked that there be no contact until the child is 18 and the lawyer said that's typical and also mentioned that the donor is allowed to change her mind at any time. Or, in 18 years, the woman may not be found. There isn't really a legal obligation to have contact, but there is the chance of contact which might be nice for me.

The friend I was considering using was so supportive when I told her I was using the anonymous donor. She said that she knows that I'm doing what I think is best for me and the child and she supports me 100%. She assured me that she wants me to do what is right for me and not worry about her needs and I took a lot of comfort in hearing her say that.

In another couple weeks I should have the surrogate approved and then start contract negotiations. And my egg donor isn't going to the doctor until the beginning of June so no news about that for a while. Next step is boring: setting up an escrow fund for the surrogate. Hooray...another check to write! :-(

Warning: Adult Content

Has anyone seen the "Will and Grace" episode where Will goes to donate his sperm? He is given all sorts of dirty magazines and can't find one that turns him on so he finds some carpenters in a Martha Stewart magazine. I have to say that pretty much is how the process works. That portrayal was pretty accurate. And if this experience becomes a movie this is definitely the comedic part.

Last week I made my appointment to go to the fertility clinic. I had to get my blood and urine analyzed and do a semen analysis. The fertility center needs to make sure I am free of all diseases and that my sperm is healthy enough to produce an embryo. I talked with a woman who, luckily, had a sense of humor about this process. We had to talk about my "homework." To do the semen analysis I had to abstain from "producing" for more than two but less than five days. So I literally had to "produce" on a specific day to prepare for the test. Much more fun than studying for a history test! I was trying to plan how long I had to be at the clinic to plan my schedule for the day. The woman said the blood and urine tests would be quick and the third test would be, according to her, "up to you." Yep...I guess it really would be in my hands. (Sorry, I couldn't resist.)

When I arrived I was escorted to a back room where I met a pleasant, older woman. She had a short, gray bob and looked like she should have been knitting on her front porch while tumbleweed passed by. My favorite part was that she wore sandals with black socks.

The lady led me into a small room where I was supposed to produce my specimen. She told me that there were videos and magazines. I wondered if they'd have anything that would work for me. They didn't. The only thing I got was a laugh from the title "American Booty." I had thought about bringing something from home but I forgot. However, had I brought a DVD it would have been useless. This room only had an old-fashioned VCR which plays tapes. Who has tapes nowadays?

Before the lady left me in the room she said, "Take as long as you need."

Ummm...thanks...I think.

There was no bed, just a reclining chair. The TV was hung so high that you'd have to crane your neck to watch the video. The sink was leaking. People were making noise out in the hallway. Hearing a bunch of women's voices wasn't helping the situation. And, just to creep me out a little more, I had to put this paper-like sheet on the chair and I just prayed that other guys were considerate enough to do the same when they used the room.

The woman had given me a cup. The cup was tiny. I won't get too graphic, but let's just say that a teeny cup, a lack of a way to lay down, an unpredictable, upward projectile and gravity do not make for a good combination. It really was quite a feat.

I gave the woman my specimen and filled out a form. She led me to the room for the blood test and gave me the parting advice of "Be well and be happy."

Ummm...thanks...I think.

The blood draw and urine sample were fine. Nothing exciting to say except that they took about 9 vials of blood. Yikes! Luckily needles and blood don't bother me.

I had paperwork to give to the clinic and needed a few questions answered. Plus, I wanted to be tested for some genetic diseases. As an Eastern European Jew who is considering using an Eastern European Jew as an egg donor I want to make sure neither one of us is a carrier of some prevalent diseases like Tay-Sachs or Gaucher disease. Marianne, my coordinator, came to talk to me. Again, she was not pleasant to talk to and made me feel like I was an imposition in her life. I'm sure she's not a mean person. I think she just says an answer once and doesn't want to say it again. When I asked questions I'd get curt responses like, "I already responded to that in an email." And if I repeat her explanation in my own words to make sure we are understanding each other her response is to repeat what she said the first time. That doesn't help me. I'm asking for a "yes" or "no," not the same sentence with a harsher tone. I'm considering asking for a new coordinator. But I also know that I have very few more interactions with her and, on the positive side, she does respond to emails immediately. She's on top of things.

In the afternoon I went to the dentist. He couldn't do the work we planned to do. As I walked to the el I realized I was about 5 blocks from the egg donor agency I'm considering using. I called and asked if I could stop by and my contact woman was available to meet me. I met her and we talked about the possibility of using the egg donor I saw because her schedule is tricky. The donor is in Chicago until mid-May and will be back and forth between Chicago and WI from mid-May until mid-June. Mid-June until early August she will be in WI. Then she has about a month off before going back to school. That 4 or 6 week time period is the only time I could do an egg retrieval with her. It does work perfectly with the doctor's schedule since the doctor has certain weeks he does the retrievals. It somehow worked out just right if I do decide to use her. It's good to know she's a viable option if that's what I choose.

I asked about contacting the egg donor. I know it's anonymous, but I wondered if I could say anything to her. I was told I'm allowed, and encouraged, to write letters to her which would make me feel good. I think it would be great for her to know I'm an interpreter and Jewish since she wants to donate to a Jewish family and she is studying linguistics. From time to time the egg donors do write back, but that doesn't always happen so I'm not going to hope for that.

Yesterday I went to a Chinese restaurant. I got a fortune cookie and threw it in my pocket. Today, after work, I put my hand in my pocket and found the cookie. I opened it and it said...

"Your present plans are going to succeed."

Ever think the universe is trying to tell you something?

I put all my eggs in one basket...and then the basket broke

A lot has happened since my last update. Where to even begin?!?!? We'll start with the egg donor drama...

As some of you know I had one friend offer me an egg about a year ago. Then, after I put down a financial deposit another friend offered me her egg. But there are issues with using a friend's egg. The concerns are that my friends are older than they should be when it comes to doing IVF (nature is cruel to women's eggs) and, more importantly, there are issues what is her role in my child's life and will she overstep the limits I set up. So I've heard a lot of talk as to why an anonymous donor is better. Well, not better, but easier. But the concern I have is that my child will never know his/her mother. I see that as a big, potential negative. However, after talking with friends who have been raised by a single parent or who were adopted many of them feel like life is just fine for them. As always, you can't predict how your child will adjust to anything.

A few weeks ago I was pretty sure I was going to use an anonymous donor. Last week, a third friend of mine offered me her egg. There are some similar issues and some different issues, but needless to say it's not an easy decision to make with her either. She's an amazing person and the thought of her being my child's mother is extremely attractive, for a lot of reasons, but again, I was pretty set on the donor I found in the data base.

Last Friday I found out that the donor I was considering is not available. (A few days later I found out she's working with another parent so it's possible she'll be available in the future...but we'll see. It is good news that she is going with another person for now because, if her eggs result in a pregnancy, she is then considered a proven donor and I'll have more information about the viability of her eggs.) Finding out she isn't available was a shock and it threw my plans into chaos. I also started to feel pressured to make a decision ASAP because it feels like things are moving quickly now.

I freaked out over the weekend. I talked with some of my potential egg donor friends and the conversations were so wonderful they made the decision even harder. One friend said that before she even considered donating her egg she reminded me she had promised to sleep over 1 or 2 nights a week after the baby was born so I could get some sleep and not do it all alone. The other friend said she was planning out the vegetarian meals she would cook for me so she could stock my fridge with meals I could heat up for the first few days after coming home from the hospital with the baby. She also said that she didn't understand why I was so shocked 3 women wanted to be a part of this process with me. She said from her perspective it makes sense that my friends would want to donate their eggs to me because I mean that much to her and she sees how I treat my other friends. That is the most amazing compliment in the world. If you ever want to know who your friends are, undertake something as crazy as surrogacy and you'll learn so much about who cares about you. I've also got two women vying to throw me a baby shower. So sweet. The support is overwhelming.

Anyway, I contacted two other egg donation agencies just to keep looking and have as many options as possible. I did find a Jewish donor who speaks several languages and wants to get a PhD in linguistics. Her background is Belgian, Russian and Polish and I am Russian and Polish. She currently teaches ESL and Hebrew. She was involved in theater in high school and likes organic food, farmers markets and foreign films. She wants to donate because her sister in law works at a fertility clinic and mentioned the lack of Jewish donors. That's a great match for me. She's almost like my long lost twin. The biggest problem with her is that she has blond hair and blue eyes, but my darker features should win over that! If that's the biggest problem I think that's pretty good. I don't know who I'll go with, but it was a little bit of a relief to see that there are others out there and the one I wanted isn't my only option.

I also went to the IVF doctor yesterday. I liked the doctor a lot. He was very empathetic and explained the process to me. Plus, he has a cool accent. Maybe South African? I'm not sure. I'll need to find some foreign actor to play him in the movies. His coordinator, however, who coordinates all the appointments for the surrogate, the egg donor and me is not my favorite person. She doesn't communicate well and I never understand what she's trying to say. I need some bitchy actress to play her. I'm thinking Pierce Brosnan as the doctor and Shannon Doherty as the coordinator!

Meanwhile, my mom has bought the baby's first book. She bought "Goodnight Moon" and told me that it will be my favorite book because it will definitely make my child fall asleep. It's nice to have my mom get excited about this. I can't get excited yet. There are still too many steps and it's too scary to think ahead. But having someone start to buy things for the baby means it will happen.