Gay Parents in 2011

A couple weeks ago my ex-neighbor came by to check on her condo. She left her condo probably 3-4 years ago and hasn't been able to sell it due to a number of reasons. She now lives way out in the suburbs and comes in from time to time to check on things and talk with the condo board. This time we bumped into each other.

We started chatting and catching up on life. I mentioned I wanted to move soon. I wasn't really planning on going into the whole issue of having a boyfriend and a baby. It's not her business and, honestly, you never know exactly how people will react.

After a while of chatting things started to come out. I'm not sure if I was sensing it was ok or if I just got to a point where I didn't care if she judged me or if it was something else. Who knows? But I did tell her that I had a boyfriend and we were moving in together to a new place because I was using a surrogate and an egg donor to have a baby.

She was thrilled for me.

She said she had seen two pairs of shoes outside my door from time to time and was hoping I had met someone. And she started telling me all the schools in Chicago to check out and how to get into magnet schools and how she managed to get her daughter into the places she wanted.

I have to say it was a pleasant surprise. Although I don't expect many people to directly tell me what I'm doing is wrong, I also don't expect neighbors who are merely acquaintances to be not only accepting but excited about two gay men raising a baby conceived through a very un-traditional way. Granted, she's a single mom with a bi-racial daughter whose parents were organic farmers before anyone knew the word organic so she's not June Cleaver, but still...

I know with each generation we become more tolerant. And I know that my child will still have a lot to deal with: an anonymous egg donor mother, a gay, Jew...ish, vegetarian dad, a black surrogate, etc. But I also see my child's life as being accepted as normal from the vast majority of society in another 20, 40, or 60 years.

My Wicked Witch of the Womb

A while ago I think I wrote about my nasty nurse Ratched from my fertility center. She has been so curt with me throughout the entire process. I remember asking her to explain a really, really long document about something complex and medical and she turned to me and said, "I emailed you about this a few weeks ago" with a nasty tone of voice. She doesn't seem to get that this process is overwhelming and scary and I don't always remember every detail because taking an egg from a stranger and putting it into the womb of another stranger isn't a daily occurence in my life like it is in hers.

Last week I got an email from Witchy-poo (as I like to call her) telling me that because my donor didn't come to the fertility clinic in January, our March retrieval had to be pushed to May.

WHAT???

WAIT???

WHAT???

I had no idea what was going on. Last I had heard we just needed the donor to sign the contract by Feb. 26th and then all was good. I emailed her that the lawyer had my paperwork and asked if she meant we'd have to do April. I was confused why it would be a two month delay.

The response was "it is way to late" (yes "to," not "too") to do a March cycle so we are probably looking at May.

Yep...totally ignored my questions.

Through a long and complicated process I found out that my lawyer was just as stunned by this news as I was. I swear I wouldn't have missed something that big. And if the donor had to come to Chicago in January why was I hearing nothing about this until Feb. 22nd?!?!? It just doesn't make any sense.

Seriously, folks, I need some good casting for this nurse. Who can play mean? I think, though, she's gotta have a soft moment at some point towards the end of this film. We'll call it "artistic license" if the nurse doesn't ever warm up to me in real life. If we make her the "hard-assed nurse with a heart of gold" type she could definitely be in the running for an Oscar for this film. That type of character always wins awards. Besides, everyone has a heart. Maybe we'll have a scene of her going home and playing with her baby...or adopting a baby...or going through fertility treatment herself. That will melt the audience's hearts. What about Glenn Close? She played Cruella Deville. Or maybe Kathy Bates? She was mean in "Misery." Other ideas?

So now I'm pushed back two months to a May egg retrieval. The one good thing is now the baby won't be born the week of Christmas. No offense to anyone who was born around that time (like my brother) and there clearly are many, many more important things than that when it comes to having a baby, but I think it's hard to be born right around a huge holiday. We'll just hope for an end of February/beginning of March birth. Derek wondered what would happen if the baby was born on February 29th! That means we'd be the parents until the child is 72 years old. Oy vey! But would we be cool parents or the worst parents in the world if we said, "No dating until you're 4 years old"?

Discuss.

Things That Are More Fun For Straight People

I was just chatting with a friend on IM. He asked what I was doing and I told him I was reviewing a contract so I could have a baby. It then dawned on me that I think I'm totally getting the short end of the stick here. I decided I should do a comparison about my process of having a baby and the process for straight people to see who has the right to complain more. Here goes...

1. Straight people get to have an intimate, exciting discussion about when they should start trying for a baby. I get to review 40 pages of contracts and hire a lawyer.

Straight: 1 Gay: 0

2. Straight people have to time out when they can try for a baby. My women take medication that makes their bodies fit the schedule of the doctor so we know when the baby will be born.

Straight: 1 Gay: 1

3. Straight people are stuck with the qualities of their partner. I get to choose between a woman who is getting her PhD and speaks several languages, a woman going to medical school who qualified for the Olympic trials and a woman who has her masters degree in an interesting field and is cool with her eggs going to gay parents.

Straight: 1 Gay: 2

4. Straight people can try again in a month if there is no pregnancy. I have to wait several months for the meds to prepare a uterus.

Straight: 2 Gay: 2

5. Straight people have a lot of fun while trying to make a baby. I get to pay a couple thousand dollars every time I try.

Straight: 3 Gay: 2

6. Straight people don't get to see their baby until the baby is at least six weeks old when they go in for the ultrasound. I get to see my embryos at five days old.

Straight: 3 Gay: 3

7. Straight people can accidentally get pregnant when they don't want a child. I can't.

Straight: 3 Gay: 4

8. Straight people can only guilt their child by saying "Mom was in labor with you for 36 hours." I can guilt my child by saying "Making you cost me thousands of dollars and years of my life!!!"

Straight: 3 Gay: 5

9. Straight people may have an interesting story about trying for a year or two to have their perfect child. My interesting story involves a documentary film, porn, and a black woman giving birth to a white child.

Straight: 3 Gay: 6

10. Straight people get stretch marks. I won't lose my figure after the baby is born.

Straight: 3 Gay: 7

Hmmmm...I guess being a gay dad isn't quite so bad.

Did You Know Clowns and Underwear Tossing Can Make a Baby?

A friend of mine recently sent me an article about IVF treatment. She saw it and thought of me. It had to do with the success/failure rate of IVF and what can help a woman become pregnant. I had seen some of these studies before talking about the success rates of transfering 1 vs. 2 embryos. This one was a little bit different.

This study talked about the increased success rates for women undergoing IVF who were entertained by clowns.

I'm not joking.

It makes sense. We've all heard "laughter is the best medicine" and know of the movie Patch Adams. Basically laughter helps women de-stress.

Here is a link to the article.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20110113/lf_nm_life/us_pregnancy_laughter

I wondered what else I could find about fertility that was weird, wild or wacky. I thought if clowns worked, what else could? I was surprised I didn't find a million different studies. I find article after article of weird sperm facts, but nothing about surrogates.

After some searching I did find one other crazy article about a mouse with two dads. So, in the future, two men can have a baby...sort of. The process, as it stands now, is unethical and impractical and all other sorts of things. I'm including the link. It still doesn't make 100% sense to me but basically some special stem cells from Dad #1 are inserted into an embryo and the daughters that are born only have Dad #1's DNA. That daughter then can breed with Dad #2 and the baby is a child with only Dad #1 and Dad #2's DNA.
http://healthland.time.com/2010/12/14/the-mouse-that-had-two-dads/

I didn't find much else except a few fun facts...

The Ripley's Believe It Or Not museum in Florida has two totems from a tribe in the Ivory Coast. During one year 20 staff members touched the statue's head and eight got pregnant.
Guess I have a reason to go to Florida in the winter now.

Some people say Feng Shui can help get a woman pregnant. There should be nothing blocking your front door inside or outside including parking outside your door. Apparently that blocks reproductive energy. And keep the area under the bed clear but don't clean it.
Finally, a reason to not clean!

You could fly to Naples, Italy. There is an old apartment with a "miracle chair." Legend has it that a woman was sitting in the chair and saw a statue of baby Jesus open his arms. Women now sit in that chair and get blessed. The walls are covered in pictures of babies born to women who sat in the chair.
I've always wanted to visit Italy.

In Congo the Yansi people use their underwear to get pregnant. When the moon is waning you throw your underwear on top of your roof. When there is a new moon, get your underwear back. Apparently that helps a woman become pregnant.
I wonder what my condo association would say if I did that???

When all else fails the web article suggested fertility spells. Google it. You'll see!
Some spells are even free!!!

Back to Square Two

- "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again."

- "Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.”

- “Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.”

- “You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try.”

- “The successful man will profit from his mistakes and try again in a different way.”

When I Googled "quotes about trying" I found a bunch of them. They're so inspirational, aren't they? It was like the cliff notes of "The Little Engine That Could." I should read these quotes and feel like I could conquer the world, right?

What these quotes fail to address, however, is that it takes a lot of effort and energy to try again and again. When you get knocked down so hard it can be easy to just lay down and accept defeat. I think that's why I haven't written much on my blog and I put off looking for an egg donor for a few weeks. It has been hard to get over the fact that the last 10 months of my life - all of the time, tears, money, energy, worrying, etc. - have not resulted in the goal. But at least I'm at square two now, not square one. I have a surrogate who I like. I have a doctor who I like. I even have a lawyer who I'm excited to talk to again. I hope I never see her again after this (except to introduce her to the baby) but I have really had a very positive experience with my lawyer. Maybe that actually puts me at square four?

Looking for a new egg donor wasn't a big decision in some respects. I wanted a Jewish donor who either had children of her own or had donated before and had had a successful outcome. There really aren't many who fit that criteria. I looked through the databases of three egg donation centers in Chicago and basically found one. The donor I considered using the first time but couldn't because someone else picked her had donated successfully but I saw that she had 23 eggs, 16 embryos and only 1 frozen embryo. I don't know the full story but it sounds like a bunch of embryos didn't make it past day 3 or 5. There was a donor who graduated from a top college, was currently in medical school and qualified for Olympic trials -- twice! That was impressive, but she was a first time donor and not Jewish. The other donor I was considering is the one who has donated five times before. One time the parent(s) did not get pregnant but there are some frozen embryos. Another time there was no pregnancy but it was a sperm issue. The other three times were successful including two times using my doctor and one time it was twins.

I asked the agency what kind of girl would donate six times. I wondered if she was just in it for the money. Her requested compensation was also considerably higher than most other girls. Of course I can't get a full picture of who she is, but I have picked up a few details about her including the fact that she has said donating has made her happy, she was described as showing empathy for couples using egg donors, she was involved with the Big Sister program, and she mentioned she is comfortable donating to a same sex couple or a single father. She also agreed to take a lower amount of compensation when I asked. I'm willing to pay a little more than an average price given the fact that she's Jewish, has a high pregnancy success rate and she has a master's degree. Those qualities are important to me and are hard to find. Plus, I just found out she's leaving for Israel soon and will visit her grandmother in NY on the way back home. How could i not pick a girl who is visiting her bubbe after seeing Israel? Oy. I could kvell. I'm verklempt in my ganecktigazoink.

Just a Little Dab of Super Glue

It's interesting how different waiting rooms have different types of magazines. I go to a barber (yes, he even has the turning barber's pole outside his shop) and the magazines are all Sports Illustrated and Money. When I go to my dentist in Lincoln Park there are a lot of Time and Newsweek magazines. Then Derek and I go to the fertility clinic and we see Vogue and Cosmo. We found out how to know if you're good in bed and what men on the street's sexual new year's resolutions will be. I'm amazed these magazines have been around for so long. Maybe next time Derek and I can take an "Are You Compatible?" test since we all know those tests are accurate.

"Well this is frustrating," the doctor said as we started our meeting.

Yep. The doctor was right. That's pretty much how I felt. And, to add to my anxiety, I just found out I had to think of some sexual new year's resolutions if I wanted to be a "man on the street."

The doctor really had no explanation as to why this hasn't worked yet. I get that this is an art, not a science, but I still was hoping for an explanation. I did get an answer to one of my burning questions.

"So, you can take one egg and one sperm and isolate them," I said. "You can crack the shell of the egg. You can make an embryo grow in a dish for 3-5 days. You can freeze and unfreeze my sperm. You can watch the embryos enter a uterus on a monitor. Why the heck can't you just make an embryo stick to the uterine wall? C'mon...just shove it in there and make the surrogate lay on her side for a couple days. Am I right, doc?"

"It doesn't quite work that way, Michael," the doctor says in his awesome accent that I think is South African but I'm not sure.

Curse the limits of science. (Shake fist in the air.)

"If I touch the uterine lining," the doctor continues, "the lining gets irritated and won't accept the egg. And if the egg does stick but the body doesn't want it to stick, it will just lead to a miscarriage down the line."

"Even if you use a little dab of Super Glue?" I asked hopefully.

OK...I didn't really say that.

Then I asked the question every doctor hates to hear. "If you were in my shoes, and I know you can't really tell me what to do, what would you do?"

"I'd get another egg donor," he said quickly.

Wow! A direct, confident answer from a doctor. Nice. Not really the answer I wanted to hear...but I'm glad he felt confident about a decision. We talked about how the eggs are a major part in the success of surrogacy. My sperm looked fine from what they could tell (remember my five...yes FIVE vials!) and a healthy embryo can be put in a 40 year old surrogate and have no problems. The biggest factor that should be changed with my specific situation is the egg donor. So the doctor strongly recommended I find a donor who has either already has a child or has donated eggs that have resulted in a successful pregnancy. My first donor didn't already have children and it's possible that she is infertile and her eggs will just not result in a pregnancy. We're jumping to a BIG conclusion, but when you're in a situation like mine and it costs time and energy and money for every attempt we want to reduce every unknown possible.

I have been looking at donors over the last week or two since I only have one embryo left I knew that starting with a new egg donor was a distinct possibility. I found one woman who I like. She has actually donated 5 times before and the limit is 6 according to some governing board. If I pick her she'd have to retire. How cool to say she retired at 26! I also saw that the woman I was considering months ago who I couldn't use because someone else picked her is available to donate again. I'll have to check if her donation has resulted in a pregnancy.

When I mentioned I needed a little more fun in my entries someone suggested we go all "Survivor" or "American Idol" on this blog and have people vote for their favorite donors. Every week I could post a new fact about the donors to help people decide their vote. I'm sure there is something totally unethical if not illegal about disclosing information like that on a blog and that is clearly not a way to pick a donor. But the idea made me laugh. Picking the right donor is hard.

Meanwhile, back in the casting department, the doctor will most likely be played by Hugh Jackman. He's got a nice accent.

My Friend Michaela

I wanted my next blog entry to be something funny and uplifting. I looked at what I wrote a few days ago and it was so depressing. I talked about all the signs I had in my life showing me that I wasn't going to have a baby. That's clearly not doing me any good. So, after failing to find the humor in all that I've gone through, I want to talk about something positive: my friend, "Michaela."

Michaela and I realized a few months ago how our lives have intertwined in such a unique way.

Picture it: Columbia College. Summer of 2001 (I think). A hallway. A young girl comes up to me and says...

Girl: Is your name Michael?
Me: Yeah. (She looks up to me because she's a newbie and I'm about to graduate.)
Girl: Is your last name H*********?
Me: Yep. (She knew me because I was such a phenomenal interpreting student!)
Girl: Did you go to Northwestern?
Me: I did. (Hmmmm...what's going on?)
Girl: You majored in theater, right?
Me: Ummm...yeah. How'd you know? (Should I be calling the cops?)
Girl: You graduated in 199...7?
Me: OK...why are you stalking me???

Maybe that last line didn't really happen.

Michaela was a dance major at Northwestern and she was two years behind me in school. She worked as a performer for a few years and finally decided that she might want a career change. Michaela, like me, wound up looking into interpreting. I'm a big believer that people enter and exit your life for a reason. At this point I didn't know why we connected again.

Michaela and I kept in touch for a while and then she moved out of state. I think we lost touch for a year or two but, through the magic of Facebook, we found each other again.

As I started this blog in February Michaela told me that she was getting close to her own surrogacy journey. As she went through the process and I blogged more and more and told her how wonderful this blogging had (and has) been for me Michaela decided to start her own blog.

Michaela's blog has been so helpful to me. She finds humor in pain like I can't do. She finds hope in adversity which I can't always find. She finds happiness in a frustrating hand that life has dealt her. I have definitely used her texts and calls and blog to help me through rough times.

She is about to find out if her surrogate is pregnant. She'll know in a couple days. I want nothing more than to read those magical words on her blog saying "SHE'S PREGNANT!" It would restore my faith in this process. Plus, Michaela and her husband just plain deserve it. So, as a little favor to me and my friend, please wish her good thoughts.