If At First You Don't Succeed, Try, Try Again

At times I feel like this just gets harder and harder. Talking with the doctor was tough...maybe tougher than I have let on. Every time I think about the next try it opens up a wound. Losing the embryos last time was hard and I think time heals all wounds...but it's not healed yet. It still really hurts.

Derek and I went to the doctor together almost two weeks ago. Here is what we learned...

The donor having 13 follicles was on the lower end of the spectrum. We kind of knew that. The doctor said 13 follicles should have given us 10 good eggs and I only had eight. So I kind of lost on that step. Out of the eight that were fertilized usually 50% don't succeed so my seven out of eight was great. And then, out of those eight, having five that made it to the blastocyst stage was about normal. So I had some bad luck, some good luck, and some typical luck. The doctor also said that 2/3 of people who use egg donors have embryos to freeze so I am fortunate that I didn't fall into the 1/3 who don't have any extras.

On November 13th we will try to transfer two more embryos. I have three frozen embryos. There are two ways to thaw the embryos. The first way is to thaw all three embryos at the same time and pick the best two. But, if all three are viable, the doctors will pick the best two and then the third will have to be discarded. It cannot be frozen again. The second way is to thaw them one at a time and, if the first two are viable, then we can save the third one. The only negative with this second method is that the one that is frozen may be stronger than the two that are thawed. There is no way to compare all three and take the best two with this method. That's ok with me if I can keep the third one frozen and possibly have a third chance. The big question I had was how much of a success rate do doctors have thawing embryos. The doctor told me 90% of embryos can be transferred. I like those odds.

So November 13th is the day. Twelve days later, which is when we do the pregnancy test, is Thanksgiving day. I hope that I'll be very thankful for something this year. My guess is I'll have to wait until Friday or even the following Monday, though, to get the pregnancy results. That will be a hard weekend.

My mom told me she had a dream recently. She, like me, doesn't usually remember her dreams. This one, however, she did remember. She had an extremely vivid dream that I had a baby named Richard and he started walking at 5 1/2 months old. OK...that second part probably won't happen, but it was nice that she had a dream about me having a baby.

What Happens Next?

It has been a week since I found out the pregnancy didn't take. A lot of people have asked what the next step is. I don't have all the answers yet, but I have to meet with my doctor again. My appointment is at the end of this month. And it looks like we will try again in November. Two months is a long time to wait for me, but I think I like taking that time to just get over what happened over this past cycle.

Meanwhile, I just got some emails from the fertility clinic yesterday and today. I have to sign a form to consent to thaw and transfer the frozen embryos and, of course, pay the clinic again. They always want their money! I read one form yesterday and it crushed me again. One paragraph said more embryos will be thawed than I expect to be transferred because not all thawed embryos are suitable for transfer.

WHAT???

I thought I had three embryos left. Now I find out that may not be true? This was a blow when I was already not doing so well. I feel like I need to talk to the doctor to get more information. My mind is just racing with "what if" questions.

So where is the silver lining?

Well, I may have one. On Sunday I met with a friend of mine who talked about the idea of making room in your life for more things to come in, positive energy in the world, and the power of your own thoughts to make real, physical changes even though everything around you is going against what you want. We talked about experiments like how you physically become stronger when you say the word "yes" or tell the truth and become weaker when you say "no" or tell a lie. The mind is definitely very powerful.

The next day I went to work. My job that day was tough. It was from 9:30-1:30pm and I assumed there would be a break at some point...just a few minutes to go to the bathroom or get water. People can't go four hours without a five minute stretch, right? At about 12:00 we hadn't taken a break and there was no mention of one any time soon. As my partner and I wrote notes back and forth to each other I wrote that I hoped they would take a short break. About a minute later someone in the room asked for a break.

Hmmmm...my mind IS powerful!

As my partner and I chatted during the break (we hadn't seen each other in about two years) she mentioned the power of visualization and sending things out to the universe. I thought it was interesting I had two conversations in a row about this idea. I also remembered reading something about an experiment with water. I looked it up online and found this excerpt....

Dr. Emoto found that if he played beautiful music in the presence of tap water, it would then make beautiful frozen crystal formations. He also learned that the written word changed the water. Dr. Emoto taped paper strips on bottles of tap water and then photographed the frozen water. He found that words such as "Thank you," and "I love you," caused the tap water to form beautiful crystals. Words such as "You make me sick," or "You are a fool," caused ugly, distorted crystals or no crystals at all. Dr. Emoto then found that we can cause tap water to form beautiful frozen water crystals simply by praying for the water, by sending it loving thoughts, and by blessing it.

This came from the website http://www.dowsers.com/page52.html

I have never been very religious or even spiritual. But when you're dealing with such high stakes, you'll try anything. During this first attempt I was scared to think the results would be positive or negative. I didn't want to go down either path. I was afraid of getting my hopes up but now that I have gone through this once I'm ready to throw myself into the process. I'm going to ask everyone to really think about my surrogate being pregnant, to pray for a successful pregnancy, and to hope that this next time will be a success. I do think that our thoughts can affect outcomes.

Meanwhile, Neil Patrick Harris is still M.I.A. Hrmpf!

Three Little Words

After 12 days of waiting I finally got the call. It was about 3:15 p.m. and I literally was walking out of my job the second the phone rang. I saw the 847 area code so I knew it was the fertility clinic. I answered not sure what I should feel aside from nervousness. The nurse said to me, "She's not pregnant."

It took me a minute to figure out what to feel. I thought I had a good shot at getting pregnant. (Well, not me personally, but the surrogate!) I tend to not live in the moment and I worry about the future and immediately I was counting my limited number of chances left. The nurse told me that I should call the doctor to set up an appointment and we would discuss using the frozen embryos.

I sat on a step on the sidewalk crying as I talked to the nurse. Right at that moment a woman walked by and asked me if I was ok. It was sweet to see there are people in this world who are concerned for a stranger's well being. The knife in the heart came from the fact that she was pushing a baby in a stroller. Real life is stranger than fiction, right? You just can't make up this kind of stuff. Right after she passed me by two guys came walking down the sidewalk and asked me if I smoke and had cigarettes. Do you not see me crying on the phone?!?!?

I called my parents. I called Derek. I told them what was going on. I also got a call from the surrogate agency asking if I was ok. What can you say? Not much. It is what it is. No, I'm not ok, but there is nothing to be done. "Chloe" also sent me a text saying she was sorry and asked if I was doing ok. It was very sweet of her to check in with me.

I guess this is part of the process. Other people go through this too so it's not like I'm the only person who has ever had to endure this. I will survive. It's just tough now.

The movie is still in development. My friend Tiffany (a.k.a. the "Michaela" of "Michael & Michaela") has come up with some song titles like "Makin' Babies in the 21st Century" (featuring porn, pipettes and petri dishes), a hilarious cover of "Matchmaker" from Fiddler on the Roof with all new lyrics, and the showstopping "Pushin' Real Hard," an revival-esque gospel number about the birthing process. Tiffany recommended Jennifer Hudson play my surrogate because she'll be great in her gospel song. I'm also thinking Barbara Streisand or Better Midler as my mom.

The Longest 288...I Mean 336 Hours...

I'm wondering when my life gets to slow down and when I get a break. Yes, I realize the irony of wanting a break at the same time I'm hoping to have a baby. I know parents don't get a break. The stress and responsibilities will just increase and it is a 24/7 job.

Today I had to run to the surrogate agency to pay for insurance. I think I mentioned before that most insurance policies don't cover surrogates. My surrogate has a pretty strong policy that looks like it does not have an exclusion for her while she is doing this for me. I might get the pregnancy covered...but we won't know until the first bill is submitted. So I decided to take out a special policy on my surrogate.

There are a few different options, but not many. I can't remember what all the different policies do. One policy has a $45,000 deductible. I'm not really sure what you get from that but $45,000 is a big risk to take The one that seems to work best for me is a complications only policy. If the baby is happy and healthy then I won't use the policy at all. Let's all hope for that.

I went to the agency to drop off the insurance paperwork this morning and started talking with one of the women who works there. She is a nurse. I mentioned the pregnancy test coming up and how that will hopefully confirm that my surrogate is, in fact, pregnant. My heart sank a little more when I learned that the one test isn't really proof of a pregnancy. There is a hormone called HCG (human chorionic gonadotropin) that is measured to confirm a pregnancy. If my surrogate has that hormone it means she is pregnant. Usually that is a pretty good indication of a pregnancy. But my surrogate will have to go back two days later to get her HCG level checked again. That level should double every 24 hours. The waiting gets longer and longer all the time. The big milestone to get through is the fetal heartbeat which happens at about 5-6 weeks.

It's funny that HCG came up in my life today because it came up in Derek's life too. Derek found an application that is one of those "What to Expect When Expecting" things. He punched in the embryo's "birthday" and then it gives him updates and what is happening at certain points during the pregnancy. Today's update talked all about HCG.

A lot of my friends have been asking about "Chloe" taking a home pregnancy test. The results, as we all know, are not always accurate. The nurse at the fertility clinic said that the embryos can take 3-7 days to attach to the uterus. That's why there is such a long waiting period before doing the pregnancy test. I think it's not worth asking for a home pregnancy test. It has certainly crossed my mind, but the wrong answer - either way - is not what I want. I'll just keep thining about sticky things. Hmmm...maybe I'll get a Cinnabon today!


P.S. Still no word from Neil Patrick Harris.

Deja Vu

Derek and I went out to dinner tonight. I wasn't very hungry and just wanted something small and quick. We were planning on going to Noodles and Co. but at the last minute I remembered a Chinese restaurant in the area. We decided to go there.

At the end of the meal we got fortune cookies. I opened mine up and it said:

"Your present plans are going to succeed."

Hmmmm...same fortune I got on April 21st. Coincidence???

There's Good News and Bad News (This Is a Familiar Theme)

I guess getting up at the crack of dawn is something that will be normal for me in nine months. I had to be at the fertility clinic at 6:30 a.m. on Thursday. Of course I woke up in the middle of the night thinking I was late. I remember seeing the clock said 3:19 a.m. Next thing I knew the alarm was buzzing at 5:00 a.m. Oy vey.

Derek (my boyfriend/partner/support system who just got major points for sending me flowers at work today and who will be played by Neil Patrick Harris in the movie and who was thoughtful enough to buy the surrogate a little thank you gift for our first meeting) and I had eggs for breakfast. We just couldn't resist.

We headed up to the fertility clinic and "Chloe" was already there with her friend who is hoping to make the documentary film about this process. I introduced Derek, she introduced her friend, and we all made our way into the clinic.

The clinic was much nicer than the last time I was there. The waiting room renovations were complete so there were flowers and bamboo walls and art deco couches now. I didn't have to walk past client files to sit in an overcrowded back hallway this time. Clearly the renovations were a success.

"Chloe" and I were called in almost immediately and that left Derek and the filmmaker to deal with awkward conversation and silence. "Chloe" went into one room to change into a gown and I was put in a separate room.

The embryologist came in to talk with me. She told me that embryos, which should be at the blastocyst stage by now, are given a number on a scale of 2-4 for the rating of the cavity and then get a grade of A, B, or C for inner and (I think) outer cell mass. I had four full blastocysts, two early blastocysts and one pre-blastocyst that is called a morula. The four full blastocysts were rated 4AB, 4AB, 4AB and 4BB. That sounded pretty good to me. The other three were not viable at that moment and could be watched for one more day. If they continued to mature I could freeze them. The attrition rate after fertilization is usually 50% so I was doing pretty well.

Then came the big decision. How many embryos to transfer? Fresh transfers have a slightly higher success rate than frozen transfers. If I decided to only transfer one and it failed, then next time I would have to do two. Then I might be left with only one, frozen 4BB for a third time and that doesn't give me very good odds. How many blastocysts I had influenced my decision. How confident I felt influenced my decision. How I felt about the possibility of twins influenced my decision. And, of course, my emotional state of how I would feel trying this two or three times influenced my decision. I literally just paused for a second and blurted out "two." It feels like the right decision.

The embryologist and I went in to talk with my surrogate about my decision to get her approval. We asked how she felt about twins. My surrogate said something to the effect of "Bring it on!" She is so willing to do anything and everything to make this pregnancy happen. It was nice to see her be so fearless in this process.

"Chloe" and I were left alone in the room. We wound up being there for, I think, about 30-40 minutes. I wondered how we would find anything to do to pass the time. We talked almost the whole time. I learned a little about her family, her education, plans for medical school, travel experiences and more. We had a really nice time. After getting to know her a little more I have a lot of respect for her and I like her. I really do. I see how when she wants something in life she goes for it with 100% commitment. Getting to know her as a person and not just as my surrogate makes me trust her more.

When the time came to do the embryo transfer "Chloe" let me go in the room with her. I got to watch the embryos on the monitor hung in the room. I saw the embryos sucked up from a dish into a tube. Then I watched the embryos injected into the uterus. The whole process took 10 minutes or less. The actual transfer was about 30 seconds. The surrogate said she barely knew they were starting before it was all over.

From a clinical perspective, it looked like two little dots moving across the screen. But from a personal, emotional level, I can't get it out of my head that I just saw my child(ren) for the first time! The idea that my child is alive now is amazing. As much as I wanted this child, I want him or her (or them!) even more after seeing them. If it is possible to love a collection of 20 cells, I do.

The surrogate goes for a pregnancy test in about two weeks. It has been about 36 hours so far and the wait is so agonizing.

Today I got a call saying that out of the three embryos that were not fully developed only one became viable. That one grew to a 4BB. So I have a 4AB, a 4BB and a second 4BB frozen now. Somehow I went from 13 eggs to 5 embryos so quickly. That's a harsh reality.

Now I wait.

And wait.

And wait.

On the ride home from the clinic Derek said that the filmmaker was sharing some stories with him. He said "Chloe" has had some people tell her that what she is doing is playing G-d and it is unnatural. It makes me sad to hear that people she knows are not supporting her in what she is doing. I feel lucky my friends have been supportive beyond belief. Is this natural? No. But nasty, hurtful comments like that make me think this film is a good idea. It is hard to hate when you put a face to an issue. I'm sure some people will always be against this. But maybe this movie will make some people will see what an amazing thing "Chloe" and my egg donor have done for me.

Meanwhile, last night I saw the episode of "Friends" where Rachel is in the hospital right after giving birth. Is this another sign? Or does this mean that I have an unhealthy faith in "Friends" paralleling my pregnancy process?

Odds and Ends

The last few days have been so stressful. My mind is constantly thinking about this process, my life, babies, money, relationships, and everything else. I try to remember that having a child is stressful. If I think this is bad now, nine months from now will be unmanageable. I just have to take things as they come. I have no control over the process right now. Sometimes that helps me calm myself down...sometimes not.

One thing that does run through my head a lot is how this process is so much more for me than for 99.9% of the world. Many people, hundreds or maybe thousands, without money, education, resources, support or even wanting a child, get one. As an interpreter I have seen examples of this: an HIV+ woman having her sixth child, a woman who didn't have $100 for a bite guard but who is trying to get pregnant (and we all know a baby costs a lot more than $100), a woman who barely has the language capacity to understand pregnancy had a baby. But, as I have also learned, I'm not alone in my process. By now about a dozen friends have mentioned that they or someone they know have used sperm donors, egg donors, surrogates or IVF treatments. These success stories are wonderful to hear and in nine months I will hopefully have my own success story to share with others.

I had another sign this morning. I usually listen to a morning radio program if I'm in the car. I almost didn't turn it on. I was close to listening to the tape of my singing lesson. In the end I decided I would listen to the radio show. As soon as I turned it on I heard talk of turkey basters and ovulation. I missed part of the conversation, but I did hear some talk of how little people know of the ovulation/pregnancy process. The DJs were talking about men wanting signs about when it was safe/not safe to "have relations" as they kept saying. An obstetrician called the show to talk about how male and female sperm differ (speed vs. stamina), how many days before a period ovulation happens, and how much more men know about this process now compared with 10 or 20 years ago. One DJ even asked how long sperm stay alive in utero. I knew that thanks to my fun fact I posted in a recent blog entry. I know that anything can be made into a sign if you are looking for them, but I thought that was just one more fun coincidence in my life.

Plus, there is a recall on eggs due to salmonella. Wait...that's not good. Moving on...

I also decided to write a letter to Neil Patrick Harris. No, I have not turned into a crazy stalker. My letter was very simple. I said that I was writing a blog about my surrogacy journey and said NPH should be in the movie of my life and a week or two later NPH announced his own surrogacy journey. That made me wish that NPH would follow my blog. I'm not really expecting an answer. On the off chance that you see "NPH" or "Neil" following my blog, though, you'll know who it is.

I have more casting updates on the movie. My friend (a.k.a. "Michaela") is a dancer and has decided she should choreograph this epic movie which will become a film and, maybe, a mini-series. Her husband will be played by Matthew Broderick since Matthew had kids through a surrogate recently. I think all my interpreter friends need to be condensed into one or two co-workers and I'm thinking Kathy Griffin and Tina Fey. This movie really is going to be an epic. We haven't even started the pregnancy and already I have a cast of thousands. I think we might have to break this movie up into parts like the final Harry Potter book which will be split into two films.

Finally, I will be going to the fertility clinic tomorrow morning at 6:30 (ugh) for the first embryo transfer. I guess I better get used to the early mornings. This is it. After a lifetime of thinking about being a father, years of planning, months of stress, weeks of contract negotiations, days of crying and hours or holding my breath we are finally at a point where this could happen. So cross your fingers, eat some eggs, wish upon a star, rent a Neil Patrick Harris movie, say a prayer, purchase creepy surrogate t-shirts on the internet, dream of babies, buy some booties, watch Phoebe give birth on "Friends," give your baby a kiss or do anything else that you think could increase my chances.

Thanks.