I'm at a loss for words

As we get closer and closer to the egg retrieval I keep thinking I should sit down and write my letter to the egg donor. I'm so excited to express myself to her, but at the same time what can you say to a stranger who is doing something so miraculous as this?!?!? It's hard to start knowing I want to include everything about myself because it may be the only contact we have. I asked the egg donor agency what the egg donor knows about me. They said that she was probably told some general reasons why I picked her but she may or may not know about me being single. The big question is whether or not to tell her I'm gay. I hope that she is happy to know that her eggs are going to a Jewish interpreter. Considering she is Jewish and getting her PhD in linguistics I'm thinking she'll be happy with that. And while most educated people and most secular Jews are not ridiculously homophobic, I do wonder if she would regret donating to help a gay man become a father. Considering the amazing support I have received middle-aged Republican co-workers and grandmothers and manly sports fanatics I highly doubt that she'll have an issue. Nowadays gay parents are becoming more and more common and people have less and less of an issue with it. So I'm pretty sure I'll tell her. I'm not the type of person to hide who I am so why start now.

I was also at a loss for words last night when my interpreting partner bought me a baby gift. I know my mom had bought a gift for the baby a little while ago. She has it in New York. This co-worker's gift was the first one I actually saw and held in my hands. It made it all a little more real. Now that I have contract due dates (in July) and egg retrieval dates (in August) and those dates are coming faster and faster things are becoming more real to me. The fear, the joy, the doubt, and the excitement are all becoming more intense.

Now I'm off to read my 39 page contract with my surrogate. Yep...39 pages. It even includes a two page table of contents. Should i be signing a document so big that it has a table of contents??? I can't decide if 39 pages longer or shorter than I expected. But I definitely know that we won't be including the nitty-gritty contract details in the movie. No one wants to see that. They want to know how I'm preparing for my second, third and possibly fourth donation and if it's as crazy an experience as the first one.

The doctor is in

I feel like I've been on hold for so long waiting for the next big step. My doctor was out of town (I think out of the country) for about a month and he just got back at the beginning of June. The two women - the egg donor and the surrogate - could finally go and get medical clearance.

The egg donor went on Monday and the surrogate went on Tuesday. Both have been tentatively approved. I have to wait for their blood work to come back and that takes about a week. After that the surrogate will be officially approved and I can go ahead and start with her contract. The egg donor got blood work as well that we'll get back in a week but she also did the same kind of genetic testing I did and that takes about a month to get back. So I think my lawyer and I can get the contract ready (it pretty much is ready) and as soon as we get the results we can ask her to look over the contract and see if she approves of it.

That means I'm kind of on hold again for a little bit.

I do want to write my letter to the egg donor. The egg donor agency I am with encourages parents to write a letter to the egg donor. I believe they said that one letter is usually sent if/when there is a pregnancy and the second letter is usually sent when the child is born. I definitely want to write at least two letters to the egg donor. I think this woman, who is getting her PhD in linguistics and is a donor because she read about the lack of Jewish donors, would be happy to know I come from a Jewish family and I work as an interpreter. (Shhh...we won't tell her I haven't been to synagogue in ages and I worked last Rosh Hashana. We can include that I make potato latkes every year for Channukah, though.) I'm not sure if she gets any information about me at all. I need to ask the agency about that because I'm curious.

A side note is that I ran a half marathon today. I'm not a runner. About two years ago I couldn't even run a mile. But I watch "The Biggest Loser" and watch obese people run full marathons and decided I had no more excuses. I could do a half marathon.

I ran it slowly. I walked part of the way. I'm sore. But there were moments when I thought to myself that if I can run a half marathon - something I never thought I could do - then other things are possible too. The marathon is a mental game more than a physical one and I succeeded so it makes me feel I can succeed in other things too. My crazy, scary, amazing journey of having a child has made me a stronger person as well and if I can do that then 13.1 miles is an easy challenge in my life. During all the stress that life will bring over the next year (and 18 years) I will try to remember that I can do more than I think.

My other little story deals with a guy I started dating. At the last minute I decided to invite him to my birthday dinner on Thursday. I wasn't really sure if he would come or not because going to dinner with a dozen of your date's friends is always overwhelming when anyone starts a new relationship. But he was very sweet and did come.

Right before dinner started I realized that one of my friends might ask me about the baby. I hadn't told him yet. We had had about three dates and I was planning on telling him soon because he should know of my major life plans and it looked like we were both interested in seeing each other more so I couldn't (and shouldn't) hide it for much longer. I pulled him aside and told him of my whole surrogacy/egg donor/baby plans. He told me that for me to do something like this takes a lot of commitment and courage and he sees that I don't back away from a challenge and that is admirable to him.

Whether or not we live happily ever after is not my point of telling this story. The nice thing for me is to see that there are men out there who will not be so scared by this that they will run away screaming. I really felt like dating was going to be impossible since starting this journey. It's good to know that while it may be tough or improbable, love may just happen for me. I need to find someone really hot to play him in the movie! ;-)