Grooooooooow babies!!

How 2 men + 2 women - sex + science = 2 babies!!

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How a man, another man, a woman, another woman, a couple lawyers, a few doctors, a psychologist, a couple social workers and some agencies make a baby.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

To Invite Or Not To Invite, That Is the Question

I recently read an article asking if the constitution still mattered.  The writer wondered what the constitution would say about Libya, the debt ceiling, Obamacare and immigration.  The gist of the article, if I remember correctly, was that the founding fathers could never predict that we would have fights about universal health care and whether or not to build a huge fence to protect our borders.  In 1787 when the constitution was written (thank you Schoolhouse Rock for teaching me that) issues that we face today were not on anyone's radar.

Well, now I face an issue Miss Manners could never have imagined in her wildest dreams.  As the baby shower approaches, Derek and I wonder if the surrogate should be invited or not.  Is it nice to include her because she is a major part of this process?  Is it hard for a surrogate to see all the baby clothes and toys knowing that she won't get to dress them and play with them?  What would Ann Landers say?  Our friends are planning on making some sort of sentimental gift for Chloe regardless of whether or not she comes.  They're thinking of some sort of collection of letters telling them how grateful they are for what she is doing for Derek and me.  Is that a good idea?

Since a lot of surrogates and IPs read my blog, I'm wondering if anyone has any thoughts, advice, experience with this?  Of course every IP-surrogate relationship is different so we'll have to make a final decision on our own, but I could use a little advice from my online family. 


  1. I DEFINITELY say invite her.. It makes her feel special, everyone gets to oooh and aaah over your bundles AND you get some "bellytime" with your little ones, win-win.. Best of luck with your decision!

  2. Very good question. And interestingly enough, we are having a baby shower in LA in late February and we are flying in our surrogate to have a 3D scan the same weekend. We are definitely inviting her as she has become a friend throughout this whole process... but you got it right, each relationship is different. If you feel comfortable enough inviting her I would say do it. It really can't hurt, in my opinion. Good luck!

  3. I plan to write a post addressing some of these very questions by IP's.

    My thoughts? She would probably LOVE to be invited. I know it's really hard to imagine, but we love your babies, at the same time, we do not consider them ours. There is NO part of us that sees those baby items and wants to have them for ourselves. Seeing those baby things actually makes us giddy with excitement...for YOU! We can't wait to see YOU with your babies. There's nothing "sad" about this for us.

    What makes us happy? You'll laugh about this.

    We want to know that you like us. We hope that you appreciate us.

    That is all.

    I'm just being super honest and real here. And this is all, of course, only my opinion. You're right that every relationship is different, and you have to do what is right for you.

  4. Yes definitely invite her! From my surrogate-perspective... if my IF's were having a babyshower, and if they lived on the same continent, I would probably be hurt if I wasn't invited. I would be extremely nervous and uncomfortable since I don't do well with attention on me, but it would still mean a lot to know they wanted me there. If you suspect maybe it isn't her thing and you don't want to make her feel obligated, just be very clear from the beginning that you don't *expect* her to come, but she is more than invited and welcome to be the guest of honor!

  5. My experience says invite her! Our amazing surrogate wanted to be at all four of the showers thrown for us, in fact she even THREW us a shower. And if your surrogate doesn't want to come, that is TOTALLY okay too, at least she was invited. I love that you are so aware fo her feelings. People outside of surrogacy will never understand this bond. OMG! 81 days!!!! Are you going nuts yet?

  6. Jeni could not have said it more perfect. It's hard for some to understand the mentality of a surrogate. Bottom line is these babies are not ours and speaking for myself, I never had longing thoughts of what it would be like to have them as my own. If the surrogate does have those feelings then quite possibly she got in way over her head and you've may have bigger issues then whether or not to invite her to a shower.

    At delivery I was more excited to see my IFs with their babies than I was to see the babies. Sounds insensitive, right? Not that I wasn't happy to see the babies but to witness the joy on the IFs faces was beyond words.

    I say yes invite her! She is a big part of this process and would probably feel overjoyed to be included. I know I would have felt that way... my IFs live overseas so distance kept us from fun moments like this.

    Good luck with your decision!!

  7. You better invite her! What's a baby shower without a pregnant lady! She should be showered with attention as much as you are showered with gifts. And think of the photo opportunities for the baby book(s)!

    And besides, I want to meet her.

  8. Definitely invite. I will be sad if I don't get invited to my guys' shower. And she will feel so special and loved to be included. Exactly what Jeni said, we just want you to like us. We'll do whatever we can to please you and make you happy :) Do you have any reasons why you wouldn't want her there?