Grooooooooow babies!!

How 2 men + 2 women - sex + science = 2 babies!!

This is the funny, heart-warming, tearful, inspiring, and shocking truth about my journey to have a child.

How a man, another man, a woman, another woman, a couple lawyers, a few doctors, a psychologist, a couple social workers and some agencies make a baby.

Monday, April 12, 2010

I put all my eggs in one basket...and then the basket broke

A lot has happened since my last update. Where to even begin?!?!? We'll start with the egg donor drama...

As some of you know I had one friend offer me an egg about a year ago. Then, after I put down a financial deposit another friend offered me her egg. But there are issues with using a friend's egg. The concerns are that my friends are older than they should be when it comes to doing IVF (nature is cruel to women's eggs) and, more importantly, there are issues what is her role in my child's life and will she overstep the limits I set up. So I've heard a lot of talk as to why an anonymous donor is better. Well, not better, but easier. But the concern I have is that my child will never know his/her mother. I see that as a big, potential negative. However, after talking with friends who have been raised by a single parent or who were adopted many of them feel like life is just fine for them. As always, you can't predict how your child will adjust to anything.

A few weeks ago I was pretty sure I was going to use an anonymous donor. Last week, a third friend of mine offered me her egg. There are some similar issues and some different issues, but needless to say it's not an easy decision to make with her either. She's an amazing person and the thought of her being my child's mother is extremely attractive, for a lot of reasons, but again, I was pretty set on the donor I found in the data base.

Last Friday I found out that the donor I was considering is not available. (A few days later I found out she's working with another parent so it's possible she'll be available in the future...but we'll see. It is good news that she is going with another person for now because, if her eggs result in a pregnancy, she is then considered a proven donor and I'll have more information about the viability of her eggs.) Finding out she isn't available was a shock and it threw my plans into chaos. I also started to feel pressured to make a decision ASAP because it feels like things are moving quickly now.

I freaked out over the weekend. I talked with some of my potential egg donor friends and the conversations were so wonderful they made the decision even harder. One friend said that before she even considered donating her egg she reminded me she had promised to sleep over 1 or 2 nights a week after the baby was born so I could get some sleep and not do it all alone. The other friend said she was planning out the vegetarian meals she would cook for me so she could stock my fridge with meals I could heat up for the first few days after coming home from the hospital with the baby. She also said that she didn't understand why I was so shocked 3 women wanted to be a part of this process with me. She said from her perspective it makes sense that my friends would want to donate their eggs to me because I mean that much to her and she sees how I treat my other friends. That is the most amazing compliment in the world. If you ever want to know who your friends are, undertake something as crazy as surrogacy and you'll learn so much about who cares about you. I've also got two women vying to throw me a baby shower. So sweet. The support is overwhelming.

Anyway, I contacted two other egg donation agencies just to keep looking and have as many options as possible. I did find a Jewish donor who speaks several languages and wants to get a PhD in linguistics. Her background is Belgian, Russian and Polish and I am Russian and Polish. She currently teaches ESL and Hebrew. She was involved in theater in high school and likes organic food, farmers markets and foreign films. She wants to donate because her sister in law works at a fertility clinic and mentioned the lack of Jewish donors. That's a great match for me. She's almost like my long lost twin. The biggest problem with her is that she has blond hair and blue eyes, but my darker features should win over that! If that's the biggest problem I think that's pretty good. I don't know who I'll go with, but it was a little bit of a relief to see that there are others out there and the one I wanted isn't my only option.

I also went to the IVF doctor yesterday. I liked the doctor a lot. He was very empathetic and explained the process to me. Plus, he has a cool accent. Maybe South African? I'm not sure. I'll need to find some foreign actor to play him in the movies. His coordinator, however, who coordinates all the appointments for the surrogate, the egg donor and me is not my favorite person. She doesn't communicate well and I never understand what she's trying to say. I need some bitchy actress to play her. I'm thinking Pierce Brosnan as the doctor and Shannon Doherty as the coordinator!

Meanwhile, my mom has bought the baby's first book. She bought "Goodnight Moon" and told me that it will be my favorite book because it will definitely make my child fall asleep. It's nice to have my mom get excited about this. I can't get excited yet. There are still too many steps and it's too scary to think ahead. But having someone start to buy things for the baby means it will happen.

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