Three Little Words

After 12 days of waiting I finally got the call. It was about 3:15 p.m. and I literally was walking out of my job the second the phone rang. I saw the 847 area code so I knew it was the fertility clinic. I answered not sure what I should feel aside from nervousness. The nurse said to me, "She's not pregnant."

It took me a minute to figure out what to feel. I thought I had a good shot at getting pregnant. (Well, not me personally, but the surrogate!) I tend to not live in the moment and I worry about the future and immediately I was counting my limited number of chances left. The nurse told me that I should call the doctor to set up an appointment and we would discuss using the frozen embryos.

I sat on a step on the sidewalk crying as I talked to the nurse. Right at that moment a woman walked by and asked me if I was ok. It was sweet to see there are people in this world who are concerned for a stranger's well being. The knife in the heart came from the fact that she was pushing a baby in a stroller. Real life is stranger than fiction, right? You just can't make up this kind of stuff. Right after she passed me by two guys came walking down the sidewalk and asked me if I smoke and had cigarettes. Do you not see me crying on the phone?!?!?

I called my parents. I called Derek. I told them what was going on. I also got a call from the surrogate agency asking if I was ok. What can you say? Not much. It is what it is. No, I'm not ok, but there is nothing to be done. "Chloe" also sent me a text saying she was sorry and asked if I was doing ok. It was very sweet of her to check in with me.

I guess this is part of the process. Other people go through this too so it's not like I'm the only person who has ever had to endure this. I will survive. It's just tough now.

The movie is still in development. My friend Tiffany (a.k.a. the "Michaela" of "Michael & Michaela") has come up with some song titles like "Makin' Babies in the 21st Century" (featuring porn, pipettes and petri dishes), a hilarious cover of "Matchmaker" from Fiddler on the Roof with all new lyrics, and the showstopping "Pushin' Real Hard," an revival-esque gospel number about the birthing process. Tiffany recommended Jennifer Hudson play my surrogate because she'll be great in her gospel song. I'm also thinking Barbara Streisand or Better Midler as my mom.