Back to Square Two

- "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again."

- "Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.”

- “Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.”

- “You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try.”

- “The successful man will profit from his mistakes and try again in a different way.”

When I Googled "quotes about trying" I found a bunch of them. They're so inspirational, aren't they? It was like the cliff notes of "The Little Engine That Could." I should read these quotes and feel like I could conquer the world, right?

What these quotes fail to address, however, is that it takes a lot of effort and energy to try again and again. When you get knocked down so hard it can be easy to just lay down and accept defeat. I think that's why I haven't written much on my blog and I put off looking for an egg donor for a few weeks. It has been hard to get over the fact that the last 10 months of my life - all of the time, tears, money, energy, worrying, etc. - have not resulted in the goal. But at least I'm at square two now, not square one. I have a surrogate who I like. I have a doctor who I like. I even have a lawyer who I'm excited to talk to again. I hope I never see her again after this (except to introduce her to the baby) but I have really had a very positive experience with my lawyer. Maybe that actually puts me at square four?

Looking for a new egg donor wasn't a big decision in some respects. I wanted a Jewish donor who either had children of her own or had donated before and had had a successful outcome. There really aren't many who fit that criteria. I looked through the databases of three egg donation centers in Chicago and basically found one. The donor I considered using the first time but couldn't because someone else picked her had donated successfully but I saw that she had 23 eggs, 16 embryos and only 1 frozen embryo. I don't know the full story but it sounds like a bunch of embryos didn't make it past day 3 or 5. There was a donor who graduated from a top college, was currently in medical school and qualified for Olympic trials -- twice! That was impressive, but she was a first time donor and not Jewish. The other donor I was considering is the one who has donated five times before. One time the parent(s) did not get pregnant but there are some frozen embryos. Another time there was no pregnancy but it was a sperm issue. The other three times were successful including two times using my doctor and one time it was twins.

I asked the agency what kind of girl would donate six times. I wondered if she was just in it for the money. Her requested compensation was also considerably higher than most other girls. Of course I can't get a full picture of who she is, but I have picked up a few details about her including the fact that she has said donating has made her happy, she was described as showing empathy for couples using egg donors, she was involved with the Big Sister program, and she mentioned she is comfortable donating to a same sex couple or a single father. She also agreed to take a lower amount of compensation when I asked. I'm willing to pay a little more than an average price given the fact that she's Jewish, has a high pregnancy success rate and she has a master's degree. Those qualities are important to me and are hard to find. Plus, I just found out she's leaving for Israel soon and will visit her grandmother in NY on the way back home. How could i not pick a girl who is visiting her bubbe after seeing Israel? Oy. I could kvell. I'm verklempt in my ganecktigazoink.