Well, I didn't really win the lottery. I don't have a million dollars. But I do feel like I've won the lottery.
As I've gone through this process a lot of my friends have confided in me that they are going through similar struggles to start a family. Their reasons for not being able to have a child the "traditional way" are varied. It pains me to see some of my friends -- who would be amazing parents -- struggle as I have and not succeed. Anyone who has dealt with an infertility problem, for any reason, understands how high the highs are and also how low the lows can be.
Sometimes I wonder why I was the lucky lottery winner. I wonder why I was blessed with enough finances to pursue my dream. I wonder how I got the right combination of egg donor, sperm, surrogate, doctor, embryologist, lawyer, and agency. I wonder what I did to be blessed with twins. It's not that I doubt myself; I just wonder why luck can't hit every deserving person the way it hit me. Like a lot of things in life, this lottery isn't fair and it's unfortunate the game doesn't always reward hard work and good hearts.
I sincerely hope this entry isn't like pouring salt into a wound of those who are still waiting to see if their lottery ticket is a winner. I know sometimes it can be hard to celebrate a friend's success when you want to achieve the same dream and it hasn't come true yet. Maybe I'm writing this as a reminder to myself to be grateful during those days when I want to tear out my hair as the kids are screaming or talking back to me. Maybe I'm writing this to let my friends know that I understand what they are feeling and that I am there for them as they have been there for me. Maybe I'm writing this because someone on the internet will stumble across this posting and gain some hope. Who knows. For now I guess I'm just writing this to say thank you to all those people who helped me feel grateful this year.
Moist Banana Bread
3 months ago
Nature is fickle and I never realized how difficult it was going to be to get something I wanted so bad. People always say that "babies are miracles" and only now do I know what they mean. What the human body has to do, and what science has to help the body do when people are infertile, is nothing short of amazing and a true miracle. Yes, you WERE lucky!...but I celebrated and grieved my friends' positives and negatives like they were my own. I was never envious. There were definitely times, though, that I scratched my head and said "why do WE have to work so hard and others are striking it rich on the first try?", but to be honest, it only made us work harder, and through those struggles a new, stronger, and I guess a more appreciative outlook on this process and ultimately being a parent emerged. Great post -- thanks for sharing! You're almost 20 weeks!!! Yay!
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