Five Month Reunion

Derek and I have been trying to find time for Chloe to come see the boys again.  Between my weekend work schedule and out of towners coming to visit we had to plan a day several weeks in advance.  It finally worked out this past weekend.  I had emailed Chloe to say that she could bring her mom or anyone else she wanted to bring.  She responded by saying she was bringing four other people so it turned into a whole party.

Chloe's mom was able to join us and see the babies for the first time since the hospital.  It was nice to see her again.  I had mentioned in some previous postings how wonderful it was that she was so excited about everything going on during the pregnancy - her daughter doing something amazing, meeting the twins, Derek and I becoming dads, etc.  She really loved getting to see the boys and enjoyed playing with them.  Chloe also brought her son.  I was wondering if he would be into the babies or understand the magnitude of what his mom did.  He's 7 years old and was more interested in movies and video games than talking with the adults so I didn't get to talk with him too much.  Chloe also brought the guy she is dating and his son.  Derek and I had wondered what happened to him.  We met him one time at the fertility clinic right after she became pregnant and then never saw him again.  I would imagine starting a relationship when you are pregnant with a stranger and his partner's twins is very difficult.  So after the pregnancy was done they did get together.  I'm thrilled for her.  He was very nice and I enjoyed seeing him and getting to know him a little more.

The other fantastic news is that Chloe is starting graduate school!  I am very excited for her.  Way back when we met, Chloe had wanted to become a doctor.  It never worked out and I kept hoping that she would find another career path.  She has had a decent job but I knew it wasn't her dream.  It took a few years longer than she probably hoped, but I'm happy to announce that she will be working in the medical field in a couple years if all goes well.  The fun fact to add is that Chloe will be going to school where Derek teaches! 

Family

Last year for Christmas I was trying to figure out what to give Derek.  I found a picture frame that says "FAMILY" and has room for ten pictures around the word.  I thought this would be a great gift.  Even if we can't legally be a family (I'll save my rant on the gay marriage issue for another day) we will see proof in our home that we are, truly, a family.

We had a bunch of pictures in the frame and we recently swapped out a few for better pictures.  Our families don't live locally and we're trying to make sure we have plenty of pictures of them around so the kids know their grandparents, aunt, uncles and cousins.  I saw we had a great picture of "Chloe" with the twins and after just a half a second of contemplation I put her picture in our family frame.

Chloe is a part of our family now.  As our children get older and the bond between us grows and my love for them increases I become more and more grateful to Chloe.  I still feel like I haven't been able to thank her enough.  I'll probably never feel like I have shown her enough gratitude.  I like having her picture where I can see it every day to remind me that I owe my family, to a large degree, to her.

At a time when Derek and I have to choose to be each others' family without legal rights, we choose to have Chloe be a part of our family too.  She (and a lot of her family) plan to visit us soon.  I get more and more excited counting down the days.  The relationship we have is unique.  It's strong even if we don't see each other.  It's intimate on a level that outsiders don't understand.  It's a relationship that will last for the rest of our lives even if we lose touch.  Yep...just like a family.

The New Normal

I started this entry a while ago and forgot to publish it probably due to my forgetful baby brain.  Here it is...

I love Tivo.  I'm a little bit of a TV addict.  I'm also a sign language interpreter.  So when sign language is on TV I get really excited.  It's great when a language and a culture that is often misunderstood gets some exposure to the general public and can educate people.  I put "deaf" as a keyword into Tivo and it records anything that has that word in the program description.  It's interesting to see what we get.  Tivo has recorded news stories about deaf individuals, documentaries about deaf poets, shows from the 1950s, '60s, and '70s that show how deaf people were treated at the time (as people who couldn't make decisions for themselves -- eek! or a suspect of a crime who was arrested and interrogated by police without an interpreter -- double eek!!) and even a great cartoon that showed how a deaf child uses an interpreter in school (my kids are definitely going to watch Maya and Miguel.)  I couldn't find the episode online but click here for an article about the show.

But back to the topic we ALL love: surrogacy.  I recently fell asleep on the couch and woke up to an episode of American Dad which was about the wife agreeing to be a surrogate for a gay couple who lives next door.  I don't usually watch that show, but I have to admit it was pretty funny.  Surrogacy has made its way into cartoons.

The other piece of exciting news is there will be new sitcom about a woman who is a surrogate for a gay couple.  Watch the trailer for The New Normal and you're guaranteed to laugh and cry.

I think I need my Tivo to start searching for the keyword "surrogate" since stories about surrogacy are popping up everywhere.  Who knows what I'll get to see, but I bet it will be interesting. 

What A Difference A Year Makes

Can you believe what was happening a year ago?  Derek and I were in the doctor's office with Chloe deciding how many embryos to transfer.  We were even considering transfering three.  Three????  Was I crazy?  I love having two children.  I can't imagine my life without my two little men now.  I also can't imagine having triplets. 

A year ago we started praying...even though we're not very religious.  We ate sticky foods hoping that would make the embryos stick.  We even ate Life cereal.  I was willing to try anything after two failed attempts. 

A few weeks later the amazing news came that my surrogate was pregnant with twins.  I still was scared things wouldn't work.  We did a total of three beta tests and every time I was panicked that the numbers wouldn't be what I wanted -- but they were.  Then we had the fear of the first trimester, fear during the ultrasounds making sure the babies were growing fine, and the fear of making it to viability.  Then the day of the birth came which was filled with both excitement and anxiety hoping both my children and Chloe would be OK. 

In the past year I also got to have a wonderful baby shower and an amazing outpouring of help and love from friends and family.  I got to make four people grandparents (and two of them became grandparents for the first time), my brother became an uncle (for the first time) and my sister-in-law and brother-in-law became an aunt and uncle.  Their children were excited to hear news of their cousins.  My sister-in-law explained to her older child how two uncles would make cousins for him and, after hearing how this works, he excitedly called to his little brother, "Did you hear?  We're going to have new cousins!!!  They took an egg and put fertilizer on it!"  

This past year I also got to celebrate (through the web) the birth of so many children through surrogacy.  I hope this year brings even more good news for those of you out there still trying.

These past twelve months have, of course, been life changing.  This picture below shows the reason I am broke, sleep-deprived, getting gray hair and yet 100% happy, fulfilled and thrilled with my life. 

Staying In Touch

I'm thrilled to see so many of my blogger friends having babies.  I feel like there is an explosion of births and/or pregnancies.  A lot of you are in your last few months -- or weeks -- or DAYS -- of pregnancy and I'm eagerly awaiting the pictures of your little ones.  All of us bloggers know how hard this journey can be and the sacrifices we make. 

I also had the pleasure of seeing my "Michaela" a couple weeks ago.  She was flying to the midwest to pick up a huge award she won (I think it was something like "top emerging new leader" in her field.  I might be slightly off but I know it was a huge deal and she deserves it 'cuz she's Michaela and she's awesome!).  She was able to stop in Chicago for about 8 hours.  She and I hadn't seen each other in person for about 10 or 11 years.  Seriously.  It had been a long time.  We became Facebook friends a few years ago and of course bonded so strongly over the last two years going through surrogacy together.  I can tell you that 8 hours isn't enough to cover everything.  I also just got a Facebook friend request from a blogger I have been following for a year or so.  I'm a little star-struck by him and his postings because they are touching and make me cry.  (You can reveal yourself if you want but I won't in case you want to preserve your anonymity for fear of being mobbed like a Hollywood A-lister.)  I've seen how bloggers fly across the country to meet people they only know online and I'm starting to think I understand that.  We have been through something so special and it's a kinda weird kinda wonderful connection we all have.

So I'm hoping that more of you will join my fatherhood blog so we can stay in touch.  And if my asking isn't enough, then maybe these pictures will convince you to follow Michael's Fatherhood Experience.  Who wouldn't want to see these cute boys grow up and hear about our adventures?  Derek and I bought one of those picture frames with 12 slots so you can see their growth over a year.  How cute was April's photo shoot?  Don't you want to see what we do for May?

The Goodbye

As you all know by now my twins were born in the wee small hours of the morning of March 27th.  Chloe did an amazing job of helping them grow big enough to not have to stay in the NICU.  We were all discharged a couple days later.  We did, however, have about two and a half days in the hospital together and I wanted to write a little bit about that.

When Derek and I talked with the staff at the hospital as Chloe was going into labor a few times they asked us directly or indirectly about whether or not we wanted to see Chloe or be on the same floor with her after the delivery.  The first time I heard the question I was a little taken aback.  Of course we wanted to be near her!  Then I remembered that not everyone has a great experience with their surrogate.  Some surrogate/IP relationships are all business and after the babies are born there is no more contact.  For me, that wasn't going to work, but I respect that situation may be the right choice for others.  So every time we were asked a question about our situation after the delivery I strongly answered that we wanted Chloe to see the babies and hold them and be near us.

The first time she got to see the twins was about half an hour after the delivery.  After the twins were born Derek and I were ushered into a room to meet them as the hospital staff continued to assess them.  At one point we were told that Chloe was in the room next door.  I looked over and saw what looked to be a sliding door.

"You mean she's there?" I asked, pointing towards the door.  "Can we open up the door now?"

The staff obliged after knowing we were OK with that arrangement.  I have to give the staff credit for respecting our wishes and the wishes of other IPs.

Soon after that Chloe went to a recovery room and I think it was about 12 hours later she came to our makeshift room where Derek and I got to stay so she could officially meet and hold the twins.  I loved seeing them together.  Of course we took pictures and talked and I probably cried a few times.  You all know that's what I do.

Since Chloe was in the room right next door we would visit with her once or twice a day.  The night before we were discharged I felt so overwhelmed trying to figure out what we could say before our final goodbye.  We knew it wasn't a "we'll never see you again" but it was the end of our contract and now we'd have to navigate our relationship post-pregnancy.

We had a card and a gift for Chloe and after hours of trying to figure out just how to say thank you I gave up and wrote a message that would just have to suffice because nothing can really thank a surrogate enough.  I wanted to post a picture of the card and gift.  I bought the card because I thought it was pretty and because the two little pearls reminded me of our two sweet embryos.  The necklace is a fire opal that Derek and I found during our Mexico trip.  I thought it was special since I had never seen that stone before and it was striking so we thought it would make a nice gift.

It was hard to say that goodbye.  So far, almost a month after delivery, we have shared pictures and seen Chloe once with the twins.  I hope we continue to be in contact and it'll be by choice, not by legal obligation.  Still, that final night in the hospital and then the actual final goodbye the next day when she was discharged was hard.

I hope Chloe will be able to see the twins are OK through my fatherhood blog.  Speaking of which, if you're not following it, you should.  My pregnancy journey was fascinating, but my fatherhood stories will be out of this world...if I'm ever awake enough to write them.  Raising twins is tiring!

The First Nine Months

I recently saw a surrogate write a blog entry talking about how great the kids were who she gave birth to and she was so modest she said that she couldn't really take credit for their greatness.  Well, I have to disagree.  She did more than she knew.

Two summers ago, as I was getting ready for the first transfer, my Time magazine arrived in my mailbox with a pregnant woman on the cover and the words "How the first nine months shape the rest of your life" (or something like that). 

"Don't read it," Derek said. 

He knows I worry a lot.

"I have to read it," I said.

I did.

And then I worried. 

You see, I was so concerned on finding the right egg donor because I wanted the right DNA for my children.  I looked for certain qualities thinking that my surrogate would just magically make kids with all those qualities because they were in the egg.  But this article made me realize that my surrogate had a ton of influence as to who my kids will be.  And after getting to know Chloe over almost two years I have to say I am glad I chose her.  I think she made some amazing children.

The article is kind of lengthy, but please read it.  Here is a link to Fetal Origins: How the First Nine Months Shape the Rest of Your Life