My Better Half

I was just looking at the title of my blog and realized that I wrote it has taken one man and two women to make these babies. Well, I think I need to make a little amendment: it's really TWO men and two women.

If you have read my blog you have seen me mention Derek from time to time. Hopefully he won't mind me talking about him, but he's as much a part of this as anybody so I want to introduce you to him.

In December of 2009 Derek and I met online and I wasn't interested in dating. I was getting close to putting down my deposit with the surrogacy agency. After 10ish years of dating men who always said, "Those kids are so cute but I'm glad I don't have one" or "I love being an uncle so I can give the kids back to their parents at the end of the day" I had resolved (or maybe resigned?) myself to being a single parent. Derek had emailed me to say he was moving to Chicago and asked where he should live. Being the nice guy that I am, however, I emailed him back by answering his question. Done. Case closed. I wasn't going to date.

A few months later I got an email from him saying he was in Chicago. By this time I had already started with the surrogacy process and it was right around the time I got matched with my surrogate. I was even less interested in dating than when Derek had first contacted me. I wasn't going to date.

Well, this man kept emailing me. I would respond because he seemed like a nice guy and I didn't want to be rude. Plus, I am a sign language interpreter and it was great to see in his profile he is fluent in American Sign Language, but that alone wasn't enough to meet him. I wasn't going to date.

After two months of him "bothering" me I agreed to meet him so we could eat dinner, realize we weren't a match and finally he would stop contacting me. We had a great time and he asked to see me again. I still wasn't going to date.

We went out a few more times. He was nice. He was cute. He was smart! I didn't know if we were starting a relationship or not. I was resistant. Maybe I was going to date.

My birthday was three weeks after we met. That morning I emailed Derek and told him I was getting together with friends and he was invited to join us for dinner. He accepted. Thirty minutes before dinner I thought, "Oh *$#@!!! Someone is going to ask me how the baby making process is going and Derek will have no idea what is going on." So I asked to meet with Derek before he came into the restaurant. I told him of my plans to have kids. His response was, "I think that's wonderful." I said he could leave now before dinner and never call me again. Or he could eat dinner and then leave and never call me again. He stayed. Hmmm...maybe dating was a possibility.

For weeks I didn't believe he was OK with this twist in our relationship. I questioned if he understood what he was getting into. I worried that he didn't really want kids and I was wasting my time. I worried that he only wanted kids and didn't want me. I worried about anything and everything. (You all know me by now...that's just what I do!) And yet he stayed. We became closer. He told me that he had wanted to be a dad for a while. I think I could date him.

Over the last 18 months, as I've gone through the process, Derek has been added into the mix slowly but surely. At the beginning the kids were 95% mine, then 90%, then 80% and it has slowly worked its way down to 50/50. I entered this process alone and needed to protect my babies. Derek has now proven himself time and time again. He has been there for me through all the ups and downs. He helps coordinate doctor appointments and wakes up at 5 a.m. to go to transfers. He holds my hand as I hold my breath during ultrasounds. The babies are ours now. There are moments that I freak out realizing that I'm not in control all the time and I may have to make compromises about how to raise the babies, but I know these babies will be lucky to have both of us in their lives raising them together.

I love you, Derek. I can't wait for us to meet our babies.

Amazing Facts

There's not a lot going on right now. I guess this really is the honeymoon trimester. Isn't that what people call it? We've made it past the scary first trimester and we're not at the "I-need-my-cell-phone-with-me-24/7-in-case-something-happens-at-3-a.m." phase. My lovely friend Michaela had a scare like that. Her surrogate thought she was in labor a month early and Michaela got on a plane only to find out it was a false alarm. But it was a good trial run. And in true Michaela fashion - since she always finds the bright side in this crazy journey - she said "next time, when it's for real, I'll remember to bring pajamas." Hope she doesn't mind me telling this story to you all.

Since I don't have much to say but I gotta keep all my internet fans out there entertained, here are some fun facts about babies, pregnancy and everyone's favorite topic of sex.

1. The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm. While you can’t see skin cells or muscle cells, the ovum is typically large enough to be seen with the naked eye with a diameter of about a millimeter. The sperm cell, on the other hand, is tiny, consisting of little more than nucleus.

2. On any given day, sexual intercourse takes place 120 million times on earth. Humans are a quickly proliferating species, and with about 4% of the world’s population having sex on any given day, it’s no wonder that birth rates continue to increase in many places all over the world.

3. The three things pregnant women dream most of during their first trimester are frogs, worms and potted plants. Pregnancy hormones can cause mood swings, cravings and many other unexpected changes. Oddly enough, hormones can often affect the types of dreams women have and their vividness. The most common are these three types, but many women also dream of water, giving birth or even have violent or sexually charged dreams.

4. Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born. While few babies are born with teeth in place, the teeth that will eventually push through the gums of young children are formed long before the child even leaves the womb. At 9 to 12 weeks the fetus starts to form the teeth buds that will turn into baby teeth.

5. Babies are always born with blue eyes. The color of your eyes depends on the genes you get from your parents, but at birth most babies appear to have blue eyes. The reason behind this is the pigment melanin. The melanin in a newborn’s eyes often needs time after birth to be fully deposited or to be darkened by exposure to ultraviolet light, later revealing the baby’s true eye color.

6. Babies are, pound for pound, stronger than an ox. While a baby certainly couldn’t pull a covered wagon at its present size, if the child were the size of an oxen it just might very well be able to. Babies have especially strong and powerful legs for such tiny creatures, so watch out for those kicks.

7. A fetus acquires fingerprints at the age of three months. When only a small fraction of the way through its development, a fetus will have already developed one of the most unique human traits: fingerprints. At only 6-13 weeks of development, the whorls of what will be fingerprints have already developed. Oddly enough, those fingerprints will not change throughout the person’s life and will be one of the last things to disappear after death.

8. Every human spent about half an hour as a single cell. All life has to begin somewhere, and even the largest humans spent a short part of their lives as a single celled organism when sperm and egg cells first combine. Shortly afterward, the cells begin rapidly dividing and begin forming the components of a tiny embryo.

Astrology

I'm not someone who really is into astrology. Years ago someone made my astrological chart. It was the really detailed kind of chart based not only on my birthday, but the time and the location of where I was born. I thought it was about 50% accurate and 50% totally off base.

My weekly emails about the pregnancy gave me a fun website to try. It tells you how parents and kids relate based on their signs. Do I really believe it? No. But it's fun to see what it says. Check out the link below to see your relationship with your child.

http://www.babycenter.com/horoscopeCompatibility.htm?r=pnc&sign1=gemini&sign2=aries

The twins' due date is April 11th or 12th (we've heard both) and twins usually come about 2-3 weeks early so I can pretty safely assume they'll be Aries. The website says this:

Your fun-loving spontaneity is the perfect foil for your Aries child's brash, independent spirit. You'll never tire of watching him meet, greet, and challenge the world in his inimitably courageous way. You both love bouncing from one attraction to the next, so getting out of the house is a must -- think bright, noisy places filled with lots of different people and diversions, like amusement parks, fairs, and other family fun centers.

On the rare occasion that you're home together, you can still let your little Aries explore at his own fast pace. With your energy, you should have no trouble keeping up! But you should pay attention, because this little one may be prone to burns and accidents. In general, some grounded energy is in order here, and you may need to rely on someone more levelheaded and practical to keep you two on a schedule.


Great. "Prone to burns and accidents." Like I didn't have enough to worry about already!

The Nicest Email

Yesterday was a crazy day at work. My co-worker was absent so I was pulling double duty and it was a busy day. By noon I was already exhausted and there was no end in sight. I still had plenty of running around to do.

About 3:00 pm I got the nicest email from my surrogate that just made me happy. She replied that she liked the doctor we just met and was OK staying with him which was good to hear since we needed to decide on a doctor, like, two weeks ago. That's one more thing off my to-do list.

The next part of her email made me relax so much more about this whole process. It gave me such insight into what "Chloe" was thinking. Here are the couple of lines from that email...

"Yeah, Im excited. This process- the spawning of life- is so cool to me. Seeing them move around so much is also exciting and very reassuring, especially since I cant feel them yet. I know you thank me all the time for doing this for you, but I thank you for allowing me to do this for you. Its like the longest, coolest, most important babysitting gig ever!!!"

I think I'll be calmer now knowing that she is so excited for me. It's sometimes hard for me to understand how a woman can do this for a stranger, but I'm glad that she is happy with her decision to be a surrogate and happy to work with me. The other surrogate blogs I have read have helped me see the emotions involved from their side too and I'm glad to know my surrogate feels similarly. Chloe also has a sense of humor about what's happening. Here's something else she said...

"I just got my "Your Pregnancy:15 weeks" email from BabyCenter and they said around this time the babies should be 2 1/2 ounces. These babies are 4oz already! I'm not scared yet, but geez. That's almost double. Well at least we know they arent malnourished."

Baby's Beautiful Bladder

On Monday Derek and I went to the new doctor we picked with our surrogate. I liked him. More importantly, we got to see the babies again on an ultrasound. The technician was good and gave us information about what she was seeing. We saw a brain. Can you believe it? A freakin' brain including clearly delineated hemispheres! I was amazed. We also saw spines, arms, heads, fingers, legs, a stomach and a "beautiful bladder" according to the technician. In about 14 years, when the baby has become a typical, surly teenager, I think I might have to bring up what a beautiful bladder he/she had in front of his/her friends. ;-)

The big question was the genetic testing. I could go into all the pros and cons, but I won't. I'm a very (and I mean very) indecisive person. But I also make a decision and never look back. I'm 99% sure that I'm not going to do the genetic screening or testing for a bunch of reasons. There's still the 1% of me that wants to do it, but I'm hoping that will go away in time. It's also Derek's preference to not do the testing. It's nice going through this with someone. Although there are things that I will have to compromise having added an unexpected (and very welcomed) partner in all this , it's nice to have someone there to help make some tough decisions.

The other nice thing that happened was that "Chloe" said that she was scared of doing an amniocentesis. The contract is a little vague about whether or not I could compel her to undersgo the procedure. Regardless of what the legal is, I'm thrilled that she felt comfortable enough to voice her feelings to me. I don't know if other IPs feel this way, but I'm always trying to make sure Chloe feels appreciated and treated as a person, not an object in the contract. I think we're doing OK together. She was willing to rearrange her schedule a little to make sure Derek and I could make it to the ultrasound appointments and at the end of the appointment she gave me a hug. It's the little things like that that make me feel good about her taking care of my children. It makes me feel she is invested in me just as I am invested in her.

My blog has been kind of deep for a while so I've been looking to make a fun entry. I have been searching the web for a site with surrogacy cartoons and jokes and haven't found many. If anyone does find some jokes feel free to send them my way or write a comment with the link. For now, I just have one cute story from the "America's Funniest Surrogate Stories Contest"...

"I have been on Lupron for a week now, and it is my 4th time around, so my kids are used to seeing me inject myself. Well, the other morning, my son was being incredibly slow getting ready for school, and just ignoring everything I was saying to him. So I started yelling at him. He got to school late and upset, and I am yelling at him to hurry up and get to class. Just before he walked into the room, of course I gave him a hug and said I loved him. He looked at me like I was some sort of alien. His teacher asked to speak to me after school concerning something he had said. He told his teacher that I was sticking needles in me, and that I was acting funny again....oh my!! I envisioned CPS coming to my house to arrest this lunatic woman on drugs. I explained to his teacher, and we both had a good laugh, but for a brief second, I was worried!!!!"

The First 100 Days

I've been looking at the numbers on my baby counter at the top of the page and saw that we just passed 100 days. That's a lot. (For those of you privy to that joke, I hope you laughed a little.)

There are 179 days to go. Although in my world I always take off about 20 days since twins come about 3 weeks early. So we're down to about 160ish days. Some days that seems so far away. Some days it seems like I have no time at all before the babies get here. Today I watched a Tivo'd episode of "Parenthood" in which one character gave birth. I just cried as I thought, "I want these babies to be here now!!!" So today is a day when they can't here here fast enough.

This past week I completed my will as part of my requirements with the surrogate contract. Tomorrow or some time this week I'll be starting the paperwork to petition for parental rights. It's good to feel like I'm getting things crossed off my to-do list. Tomorrow we meet with a new doctor who should be qualified to deal with twins and surrogacy. Hopefully Derek and Chloe and I will all like him and his practice. We need to pick our doctor soon. Plus we get an ultrasound tomorrow so I'm excited to see Baby A and Baby B again. I hope they wave at us.

Since I'm feeling more relaxed about this whole process, I'll introduce you to Baby A and Baby B. Here are there first pictures.

August 17th, 2011

August 25th, 2011

September 6th, 2011 Baby A

September 6th, 2011 Baby B

Medical and Legal Blah Blah Blah -- The Most Boring Posting to Date I Believe

There's always something new, right? The first trimester is done, but now there is genetic testing, finding out the sex (which I'm hoping not to do), delivery options, fear of the twins coming early, buying things for the nursery, baby proofing the home, finding a new home that accommodates everyone, etc., etc., etc. And this is before they even come! Lord knows how stressed out I'll be when I have to take them to their first day of school, put them on the bus to sleep away camp or let them get drivers licenses! I don't know how parents do it.

But you all would be proud of me. I'm accepting things as they come along. We had a little bit of a problem last week. Because my surrogate had spotting a couple weeks ago and ran to the doctor to get checked out we got off the normal check up schedule. Plus, her doctor wasn't the right doctor for a twin pregnancy so we had to find a new doctor and a new hospital for delivery. All of that made getting routine testing go off track. Now we're at week 13 and a half and, long story short, through a series of unfortunate events we are not able to do the nuchal translucency test (which is done on twins) because we waited too long.

At first I stressed out about this. After some time I realized that
1. The test only tells you the chance of a problem, it doesn't actually diagnose a problem.
2. There are a lot of false positives and false negatives so the test isn't very accurate.
3. Considering my history and age and the egg donor's history and age there is a very low chance of a problem.
4. Would knowing even make a difference to me? I'm not sure.

So we missed the window of opportunity for this test and there's nothing I can do. Derek and I have been talking about the miracles technology can do but also the curse of knowing too much. Sometimes it's best to just let nature take its course. We'll be able to do a blood test in another week or two and get mostly the same information.

Meanwhile, I have to start my application for parentage. I thought I was mostly done with the legal mumbo-jumbo, but no. My lawyer is going to make forms for the doctor to keep on file which basically say that I am the father and the birth certificate will say "gestational surrogate" where the mother is usually listed. I get copies and my surrogate gets copies too in case she delivers in an unplanned location and we need legal proof that the babies aren't hers. Illinois has some of the best laws protecting the parents (so my lawyer says) but it still is a pain to go through more legal stuff and it costs another $500. I've also been told that in IL we can do a second parent adoption even if the second parent is the same sex. Or, more likely, Derek and I will do a civil union. The laws are pretty murky, though, because everything is still new. I also have to have a will made in a few days as part of the agreement. I stumped my lawyer a little bit as he tried to find language to describe my relationship with Derek which is basically a husband and father to the kids without the legal rights...yet. If the stupid politicians would just grant equal rights to everyone these documents would be so much easier! But that's a posting for another blog.