Did You Know Clowns and Underwear Tossing Can Make a Baby?

A friend of mine recently sent me an article about IVF treatment. She saw it and thought of me. It had to do with the success/failure rate of IVF and what can help a woman become pregnant. I had seen some of these studies before talking about the success rates of transfering 1 vs. 2 embryos. This one was a little bit different.

This study talked about the increased success rates for women undergoing IVF who were entertained by clowns.

I'm not joking.

It makes sense. We've all heard "laughter is the best medicine" and know of the movie Patch Adams. Basically laughter helps women de-stress.

Here is a link to the article.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20110113/lf_nm_life/us_pregnancy_laughter

I wondered what else I could find about fertility that was weird, wild or wacky. I thought if clowns worked, what else could? I was surprised I didn't find a million different studies. I find article after article of weird sperm facts, but nothing about surrogates.

After some searching I did find one other crazy article about a mouse with two dads. So, in the future, two men can have a baby...sort of. The process, as it stands now, is unethical and impractical and all other sorts of things. I'm including the link. It still doesn't make 100% sense to me but basically some special stem cells from Dad #1 are inserted into an embryo and the daughters that are born only have Dad #1's DNA. That daughter then can breed with Dad #2 and the baby is a child with only Dad #1 and Dad #2's DNA.
http://healthland.time.com/2010/12/14/the-mouse-that-had-two-dads/

I didn't find much else except a few fun facts...

The Ripley's Believe It Or Not museum in Florida has two totems from a tribe in the Ivory Coast. During one year 20 staff members touched the statue's head and eight got pregnant.
Guess I have a reason to go to Florida in the winter now.

Some people say Feng Shui can help get a woman pregnant. There should be nothing blocking your front door inside or outside including parking outside your door. Apparently that blocks reproductive energy. And keep the area under the bed clear but don't clean it.
Finally, a reason to not clean!

You could fly to Naples, Italy. There is an old apartment with a "miracle chair." Legend has it that a woman was sitting in the chair and saw a statue of baby Jesus open his arms. Women now sit in that chair and get blessed. The walls are covered in pictures of babies born to women who sat in the chair.
I've always wanted to visit Italy.

In Congo the Yansi people use their underwear to get pregnant. When the moon is waning you throw your underwear on top of your roof. When there is a new moon, get your underwear back. Apparently that helps a woman become pregnant.
I wonder what my condo association would say if I did that???

When all else fails the web article suggested fertility spells. Google it. You'll see!
Some spells are even free!!!

Back to Square Two

- "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again."

- "Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.”

- “Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.”

- “You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try.”

- “The successful man will profit from his mistakes and try again in a different way.”

When I Googled "quotes about trying" I found a bunch of them. They're so inspirational, aren't they? It was like the cliff notes of "The Little Engine That Could." I should read these quotes and feel like I could conquer the world, right?

What these quotes fail to address, however, is that it takes a lot of effort and energy to try again and again. When you get knocked down so hard it can be easy to just lay down and accept defeat. I think that's why I haven't written much on my blog and I put off looking for an egg donor for a few weeks. It has been hard to get over the fact that the last 10 months of my life - all of the time, tears, money, energy, worrying, etc. - have not resulted in the goal. But at least I'm at square two now, not square one. I have a surrogate who I like. I have a doctor who I like. I even have a lawyer who I'm excited to talk to again. I hope I never see her again after this (except to introduce her to the baby) but I have really had a very positive experience with my lawyer. Maybe that actually puts me at square four?

Looking for a new egg donor wasn't a big decision in some respects. I wanted a Jewish donor who either had children of her own or had donated before and had had a successful outcome. There really aren't many who fit that criteria. I looked through the databases of three egg donation centers in Chicago and basically found one. The donor I considered using the first time but couldn't because someone else picked her had donated successfully but I saw that she had 23 eggs, 16 embryos and only 1 frozen embryo. I don't know the full story but it sounds like a bunch of embryos didn't make it past day 3 or 5. There was a donor who graduated from a top college, was currently in medical school and qualified for Olympic trials -- twice! That was impressive, but she was a first time donor and not Jewish. The other donor I was considering is the one who has donated five times before. One time the parent(s) did not get pregnant but there are some frozen embryos. Another time there was no pregnancy but it was a sperm issue. The other three times were successful including two times using my doctor and one time it was twins.

I asked the agency what kind of girl would donate six times. I wondered if she was just in it for the money. Her requested compensation was also considerably higher than most other girls. Of course I can't get a full picture of who she is, but I have picked up a few details about her including the fact that she has said donating has made her happy, she was described as showing empathy for couples using egg donors, she was involved with the Big Sister program, and she mentioned she is comfortable donating to a same sex couple or a single father. She also agreed to take a lower amount of compensation when I asked. I'm willing to pay a little more than an average price given the fact that she's Jewish, has a high pregnancy success rate and she has a master's degree. Those qualities are important to me and are hard to find. Plus, I just found out she's leaving for Israel soon and will visit her grandmother in NY on the way back home. How could i not pick a girl who is visiting her bubbe after seeing Israel? Oy. I could kvell. I'm verklempt in my ganecktigazoink.

Just a Little Dab of Super Glue

It's interesting how different waiting rooms have different types of magazines. I go to a barber (yes, he even has the turning barber's pole outside his shop) and the magazines are all Sports Illustrated and Money. When I go to my dentist in Lincoln Park there are a lot of Time and Newsweek magazines. Then Derek and I go to the fertility clinic and we see Vogue and Cosmo. We found out how to know if you're good in bed and what men on the street's sexual new year's resolutions will be. I'm amazed these magazines have been around for so long. Maybe next time Derek and I can take an "Are You Compatible?" test since we all know those tests are accurate.

"Well this is frustrating," the doctor said as we started our meeting.

Yep. The doctor was right. That's pretty much how I felt. And, to add to my anxiety, I just found out I had to think of some sexual new year's resolutions if I wanted to be a "man on the street."

The doctor really had no explanation as to why this hasn't worked yet. I get that this is an art, not a science, but I still was hoping for an explanation. I did get an answer to one of my burning questions.

"So, you can take one egg and one sperm and isolate them," I said. "You can crack the shell of the egg. You can make an embryo grow in a dish for 3-5 days. You can freeze and unfreeze my sperm. You can watch the embryos enter a uterus on a monitor. Why the heck can't you just make an embryo stick to the uterine wall? C'mon...just shove it in there and make the surrogate lay on her side for a couple days. Am I right, doc?"

"It doesn't quite work that way, Michael," the doctor says in his awesome accent that I think is South African but I'm not sure.

Curse the limits of science. (Shake fist in the air.)

"If I touch the uterine lining," the doctor continues, "the lining gets irritated and won't accept the egg. And if the egg does stick but the body doesn't want it to stick, it will just lead to a miscarriage down the line."

"Even if you use a little dab of Super Glue?" I asked hopefully.

OK...I didn't really say that.

Then I asked the question every doctor hates to hear. "If you were in my shoes, and I know you can't really tell me what to do, what would you do?"

"I'd get another egg donor," he said quickly.

Wow! A direct, confident answer from a doctor. Nice. Not really the answer I wanted to hear...but I'm glad he felt confident about a decision. We talked about how the eggs are a major part in the success of surrogacy. My sperm looked fine from what they could tell (remember my five...yes FIVE vials!) and a healthy embryo can be put in a 40 year old surrogate and have no problems. The biggest factor that should be changed with my specific situation is the egg donor. So the doctor strongly recommended I find a donor who has either already has a child or has donated eggs that have resulted in a successful pregnancy. My first donor didn't already have children and it's possible that she is infertile and her eggs will just not result in a pregnancy. We're jumping to a BIG conclusion, but when you're in a situation like mine and it costs time and energy and money for every attempt we want to reduce every unknown possible.

I have been looking at donors over the last week or two since I only have one embryo left I knew that starting with a new egg donor was a distinct possibility. I found one woman who I like. She has actually donated 5 times before and the limit is 6 according to some governing board. If I pick her she'd have to retire. How cool to say she retired at 26! I also saw that the woman I was considering months ago who I couldn't use because someone else picked her is available to donate again. I'll have to check if her donation has resulted in a pregnancy.

When I mentioned I needed a little more fun in my entries someone suggested we go all "Survivor" or "American Idol" on this blog and have people vote for their favorite donors. Every week I could post a new fact about the donors to help people decide their vote. I'm sure there is something totally unethical if not illegal about disclosing information like that on a blog and that is clearly not a way to pick a donor. But the idea made me laugh. Picking the right donor is hard.

Meanwhile, back in the casting department, the doctor will most likely be played by Hugh Jackman. He's got a nice accent.

My Friend Michaela

I wanted my next blog entry to be something funny and uplifting. I looked at what I wrote a few days ago and it was so depressing. I talked about all the signs I had in my life showing me that I wasn't going to have a baby. That's clearly not doing me any good. So, after failing to find the humor in all that I've gone through, I want to talk about something positive: my friend, "Michaela."

Michaela and I realized a few months ago how our lives have intertwined in such a unique way.

Picture it: Columbia College. Summer of 2001 (I think). A hallway. A young girl comes up to me and says...

Girl: Is your name Michael?
Me: Yeah. (She looks up to me because she's a newbie and I'm about to graduate.)
Girl: Is your last name H*********?
Me: Yep. (She knew me because I was such a phenomenal interpreting student!)
Girl: Did you go to Northwestern?
Me: I did. (Hmmmm...what's going on?)
Girl: You majored in theater, right?
Me: Ummm...yeah. How'd you know? (Should I be calling the cops?)
Girl: You graduated in 199...7?
Me: OK...why are you stalking me???

Maybe that last line didn't really happen.

Michaela was a dance major at Northwestern and she was two years behind me in school. She worked as a performer for a few years and finally decided that she might want a career change. Michaela, like me, wound up looking into interpreting. I'm a big believer that people enter and exit your life for a reason. At this point I didn't know why we connected again.

Michaela and I kept in touch for a while and then she moved out of state. I think we lost touch for a year or two but, through the magic of Facebook, we found each other again.

As I started this blog in February Michaela told me that she was getting close to her own surrogacy journey. As she went through the process and I blogged more and more and told her how wonderful this blogging had (and has) been for me Michaela decided to start her own blog.

Michaela's blog has been so helpful to me. She finds humor in pain like I can't do. She finds hope in adversity which I can't always find. She finds happiness in a frustrating hand that life has dealt her. I have definitely used her texts and calls and blog to help me through rough times.

She is about to find out if her surrogate is pregnant. She'll know in a couple days. I want nothing more than to read those magical words on her blog saying "SHE'S PREGNANT!" It would restore my faith in this process. Plus, Michaela and her husband just plain deserve it. So, as a little favor to me and my friend, please wish her good thoughts.

All's Fair In Love and War (And Apparently Surrogacy Too)

Last night I got the news that Chloe isn't pregnant again. Last time I cried inconsolably. This time I cried a little but I was more angry and upset and frustrated. I'm at a loss as to what to do next.

I know that this is not the P.C. thing to say, but I'm going to say this anyway: it sucks to see unfit parents having kids when I'm trying so hard and not succeeding. I work for a hospital where about three-quarters of the people are on public aid, many have no job, some don't breast feed because they want to start using drugs again, some are high when they deliver, some are HIV+ with five kids and are completely living off the government, etc., etc., etc. I'm sure if I talked with more of the OB/GYN staff I would get more stories that would blow my mind. I know...it's not nice to judge these people. I know that many of them grew up in an environment that lacked the opportunities that I had. I know while my parents were going to work every day and planning to take me to Disney World their parents might have been absent or struggling to make ends meet or maybe using drugs or in prison. I know this sounds arrogant of me like I think I'm more deserving of them. But right now I just want to be selfish and say that I do.

Derek turned to me last night after we heard the message and said, "I just want you to be a dad." I will remember that for a long time. What on earth can you possibly say to someone who is going through this? Apparently those are the right words. It made me feel supported and loved and was realistic. Sometimes it's hard to hear the "I know it'll happen for you" words of encouragement. A lot of my friends have said it to me and I know the intention behind it comes from loving me and wishing me the best. But sometimes, when I hear that, I just want to say "You don't really know that" or "It doesn't feel like that." After two failed attempts it is hard to say "It WILL happen" because after it seemed like all the stars aligned twice, they really didn't.

I also read "Michaela's" blog late last night and thank goodness I did. Michaela is in the egg retrieval stage and is plunging a needle into her stomach 3-4 times a day for the next month. Not fun. And yet her blog made me literally laugh out loud. Her take on the process is still upbeat and optimistic. I need that right now. Soon I'll get back to blogging about fun topics like why Eva Mendes will be wet in every scene in the movie or maybe I'll organize a protest against Neil Patrick Harris. But I need a few days to recover from this.

I'm off to call the doctor and the surrogacy agency to get more information and see what happens next.

Hey Universe, Are You Listening? You Better Be!

It has been two weeks since the embryo transfer. My life has been busy so, to be honest, I haven't thought about it all that much. I do think about it from time to time and pray "Stick, little embryos, stick!" Then I go about my day until the thought pops into my head again several hours later and I repeat the same mantra. And, every night, I write a few sentences over and over again in a little journal. I write sentences saying things like: "my surrogate is pregnant now," "I will be a dad," and, as Chloe's uncle says, "Grooooooooow baby!" with nine "O"s because I need one for each month of growth. A part of me thinks it's silly and I know my pen and paper doesn't make an embryo stick to the uterus of a woman 15 miles away, but I also think it can't hurt. There are unexplained phenomena in this world that go above our understanding and so my putting it out into the universe may be just the thing my baby needs.

It has been interesting for me to see as I write these sentences every day how their meaning has changed for me. For a while, I wrote them without really thinking about them. One day I noticed I underlined a word in a sentence. Then I'd underline a different word the next day. Words like "pregnant", "dad", and "baby" started to have more meaning and truth. I started saying the sentences out loud as I wrote them. I'm hoping the universe is listening.

The thought that is always in my head now is "What will my child be?" I wonder if my child will be a teacher or an athlete or a scientist. I can't wait to see what kind of child comes from me. It will be exciting to see my child's personality and interests grow and develop.

The pregnancy test is on Monday. These last few days have been harder than the first week and a half. As we get closer and closer the excitement and nerves increase. But I'm imagining that moment that I'm told "She's pregnant" and the tears of joy that will come after that. This just has to succeed.

Life

The alarm went off at 6:00 a.m. Derek and I got up so we could make our way to the fertility clinic for today's embryo transfer. I made waffles with syrup. Last time we did an embryo transfer we had eggs for breakfast and later realized the flaw in our logic - we already had the eggs! Now we needed something to make them stick. That's why we ate syrup today.

Right as we left my place I saw "Life" cereal in a shopping bag. I had bought some last night since I knew that Derek liked that cereal and I meant to offer him that for breakfast. All of a sudden, it hit me at that moment: Life! We should have eaten Life cereal!!! I grabbed the box and decided it couldn't hurt to take a few handfuls before the transfer.

When we got to the fertility clinic about 7:15 a.m. I asked the receptionist if "Chloe's" friend, "Steven", could go into room during the embryo transfer so he could capture it on film. I wasn't sure if filming would be allowed. The receptionist said that would probably be ok and she would check with the doctor.

After a couple minutes the nurse called me to go into a room even though Chloe wasn't there yet. Then she looked at Derek and wondered why he wasn't coming too. I'm not sure if she knows that he's my partner or if she just assumed he was a friend but I have to say that it has been so nice to never have felt judged throughout this whole process. The doctors, lawyers, nurses, agency representatives, etc. have never hesitated to use the word "partner" and never looked at Derek with a "who are you?" expression on their faces. Even some of the forms sometimes say things like "Partner 1" and "Partner 2."

Getting back to today, Derek came back to wait with me. The nurse gave scrubs to Derek and me. Once again we said that we wanted the filmmaker to be in the room and we weren't sure how many people could fit. The nurse said she would check with the doctor and there would probably be room for all.

Next, the embryologist came in to talk to me. He said that they had thawed the first two embryos and both were suitable for transfer. That was great news. I breathed a sigh of relief. It's nice to know I still have one embryo frozen for use in the future if I want.

Chloe and Steven arrived a little while later and they were getting ready in another room. The nurse asked Chloe if it was ok for Derek and me (and Steven, of course) to be in the room and she agreed. A few minutes later we all piled into the room: Derek, Chloe, Steven, the doctor, the technician, the embryologist and me. Someone was telling everyone where to stand and sit. It was almost like setting up a shot for a real movie.

I saw the dish with my name on it and my two little embryos! There they were on the screen, magnified 400 times, and they were no bigger than the size of a pea. I watched them get sucked up into a tube and then the embryologist came into the room. This time, it was hard to see the embryos get shot into the uterus. Last time Chloe and I saw the outline of the equipment on the ultrasound monitor and even saw the embryos get shot out. This time, the technician had said it would be hard to see and he was right. I'm not sure why. Derek and I are hoping it's because her uterine lining is a lot thicker this time, but we might be wrong. I'm trusting that they're in there, searching for a place to attach as I type this. A technician checked the tube to make sure that it's all clear before we were allowed to leave the room. He said nothing was left in the tube so the procedure was done and it was time for us to go home.

One day, when my child is small, maybe I'll show him/her the video and say, "That was you when you were 5 days old!"

Now I have 16 days of waiting. I think I might go have a bowl of "Life" for lunch.