More Closed Doors

I recently saw these articles posted on another blog and I wanted to share them.  They just make me sad and angry.  Basically, what the articles say, is that surrogacy in India will be limited to couples who are legally married and live in a place that recognizes surrogacy.

That means single men and women, gays, and people from a slew of countries (such as France, Germany and Norway among others) will be excluded.

I live in a city that is fairly liberal.  I work in two professions one of which is fairly open minded and the other of which is extremely open minded.  I have written posts on my blogs about how pleasantly surprised I have been with the fact that people look at me as just another family even though my family has two dads.  I really don't experience a lot of discrimination on a day to day basis.  My friends, family, co-workers, parents in the baby music classes, etc. are all open and accepting.  I sometimes forget that the world is not so friendly.  Sometimes the strides that are made only apply to a select few.

I hope that these policies change quickly.  I have faithfully followed a lot of bloggers who are single, gay, and/or from countries who have been successful in India.  It makes me sad to know that others like them will not be so lucky because they waited an extra few months or a year.

Here are the articles so you can read them yourself.

http://articles.timesofindia.indiatimes.com/2013-01-18/india/36415052_1_surrogacy-fertility-clinics-home-ministry

http://www.abc.net.au/news/2013-01-15/india-surrogacy-arrangements/4465198

Success - Part Two

Woo-hoo!  I feel successful again.  This time I don't have my blog to thank, but my agency.  My agency recently contacted me and mentioned that there is a couple in another state considering surrogacy.  The process is overwhelming and they wanted to talk with someone who has been through the experience.  They asked if I would be willing to talk with them.

um...let me think about tha--

YES!!!

I'm thrilled to be able to share my experience with other people.  I'm a little jealous of surrogates who get to "mentor" other surrogates and find surro sisters.  Can I now dub myself an Internded Parent Mentor or a Agency Big Brother?  C'mon, people, I need a cool name for myself. 

This couple read my blog as well as several other blogs I'm connected with and they mentioned that the blogs have been extremely helpful as they try to fully understand what they might go through.  So, on their behalf, and as my first official duty as a Dad-To-Be-Advistor (I'll keep working on the name) I will thank of you bloggers for helping to make a difference in at least one couple's lives.

Closing The Account

Every month I get a statement from the accountant managing the escrow money telling me how much money is left in the account.  I get charged $12 a month as a maintenance fee.  I have sent the accountant several emails asking if I can close out the account and save my money because she isn't doing anything.  After all, twelve dollars will buy enough diapers for about three hours with twins or a bottle and a half worth of formula (those supplies are expensive!).  The boys are almost seven months old and I believe, according to our contract, any costs related to the pregnancy (like lost wages or counseling if necessary) would stop twelve weeks after the birth. 

A few days ago I finally got an email from the surrogacy agency telling me that I can officially close out my escrow account.  The accountant was CC'd and I wrote a follow up email to her and I have yet to hear back from her.   

This posting, however, is not about my bad escrow accountant.  It's about the fact that once the escrow account closes I believe I will be 100% done with the surrogacy contract and the process.  Chloe and I have kept in touch.  We plan to keep in touch.  I hope the kids get to know her.  However it's a little sad and scary and odd to think about this whole ordeal...over two and a half years...coming to an end.  There will be no more legal ties to each other.

(I wrote the entry above on Wednesday.  The paragraph below is from today.)

Of course, right after I think about my formal relationship with Chloe coming to an end I go home and watch my Tivo'd episode of The New Normal.  Of course this week's episode deals with the young daughter getting upset after hearing that most surrogates and intended parents don't keep in touch after the baby/babies are born.  The surrogate in the show understands the reality of this but I was just as upset as the child on the show. 

"No," I wanted to shout back.  "We DO want to keep in touch with our surrogates." 

Because this is a Hollywood sitcom and no one wants to see a little girl cry, the intended parents made the girl a godmother to their unborn child so they would be bonded forever and everyone lived happily ever after.

That's how I hope my life will be - like a sticom.  My life is shaping up to look like one.  The show does parallel my life quite a bit and, I have a hottie husband-to-be, and like the Jewish character, I had no idea what a godparent really does.  (Luckily the show explained it to me.)  Hopefully my life will continue to look like the show where is always laughter, and a happy ending.   

Success!

I have a Facebook friend.  It's one of those people I knew years and years ago, lost touch with her, reconnected with her on Facebook, caught up with each other, and now don't communicate much but we know the other is there if need be.  Well, "need be" happened.

This friend of mine recently sent me an email saying that she loves being pregnant but isn't sure she wants more kids.  Surrogacy is something she would consider.  She asked me a little bit about my surrogacy journey. 

I have to say I was thrilled she was considering this and honored she would share it with me.  It made my blog feel like a success.  One of the reasons I started this blog was to be a resource to others who are considering surrogacy.  I have shared a lot of personal details about my life and my story with friends and strangers who follow this blog and my Fatherhood blog.  Sometimes I feel I have shared too much...but then something like this happens and I'm glad I could be a resource for a friend who may now make some person or couple's dream come true.  I referred her to a surrogate who I met online who was willing to talk to her and, it turns out, doesn't live too far from my friend.  It just proves how our online community is there for each other and how valuable and powerful information can be.

I'm A Fan

The New Normal has had two episodes now and I love it.  I think it's hysterical.  I know some people think the show is only so-so but I love snarky, biting humor and I think there's a lot of it in the show's dialogue.  My friend noticed that there is no mention of contract negotiations, lawyers, doctors screening the surrogate and sperm donor, psychological evaluations, injecting medicines for weeks, etc.  Since when has Hollywood ever cared about accuracy??? 

Years ago I interpreted a sociology class that talked about the media's influence on society.  The professor talked about the portrayal of minority groups on TV and in films.  She said at first African Americans were only portrayed as slaves.  Then they won roles as janitors.  Later they took on roles as mail carriers, doctors and finally presidents.  Asian-American actors were only karate experts and masseuses.  Over time they became nurses, best friends and a Charlie's Angel.  Gays started out as hair dressers and florists but moved up to doctors and lawyers.  Her point was that first exposures to new groups are threatening to the majority and often they need to be shown as people without power.  While surrogates are not a threat to most people (although the NBC affiliate in Salt Lake City feels they are and refuses to air the show), we get a very one-sided, silly view of the surrogacy process to start.  Surrogates are new to TV...and let's not forget it's a sitcom too so we can't get too deep. 

Before I analyze this too much (too late) let's just celebrate the fact that there is a show on a major network talking about a surrogate working with a gay couple.  That's huge exposure and will hopefully give more people some insight into the wondeful, unique and powerful relationships that are created between surrogates and intended parents.

Oh...and I cried during both episodes.  No surprise there.  I was thinking back to when I was just getting started with my surrogate.  All the hopes, fears, nerves, joy and other emotions that I felt knowing that steps were happening to make my dream come true came flooding back.  I hope the show lasts a while so I can take this journey with these people.

Five Month Reunion

Derek and I have been trying to find time for Chloe to come see the boys again.  Between my weekend work schedule and out of towners coming to visit we had to plan a day several weeks in advance.  It finally worked out this past weekend.  I had emailed Chloe to say that she could bring her mom or anyone else she wanted to bring.  She responded by saying she was bringing four other people so it turned into a whole party.

Chloe's mom was able to join us and see the babies for the first time since the hospital.  It was nice to see her again.  I had mentioned in some previous postings how wonderful it was that she was so excited about everything going on during the pregnancy - her daughter doing something amazing, meeting the twins, Derek and I becoming dads, etc.  She really loved getting to see the boys and enjoyed playing with them.  Chloe also brought her son.  I was wondering if he would be into the babies or understand the magnitude of what his mom did.  He's 7 years old and was more interested in movies and video games than talking with the adults so I didn't get to talk with him too much.  Chloe also brought the guy she is dating and his son.  Derek and I had wondered what happened to him.  We met him one time at the fertility clinic right after she became pregnant and then never saw him again.  I would imagine starting a relationship when you are pregnant with a stranger and his partner's twins is very difficult.  So after the pregnancy was done they did get together.  I'm thrilled for her.  He was very nice and I enjoyed seeing him and getting to know him a little more.

The other fantastic news is that Chloe is starting graduate school!  I am very excited for her.  Way back when we met, Chloe had wanted to become a doctor.  It never worked out and I kept hoping that she would find another career path.  She has had a decent job but I knew it wasn't her dream.  It took a few years longer than she probably hoped, but I'm happy to announce that she will be working in the medical field in a couple years if all goes well.  The fun fact to add is that Chloe will be going to school where Derek teaches! 

Family

Last year for Christmas I was trying to figure out what to give Derek.  I found a picture frame that says "FAMILY" and has room for ten pictures around the word.  I thought this would be a great gift.  Even if we can't legally be a family (I'll save my rant on the gay marriage issue for another day) we will see proof in our home that we are, truly, a family.

We had a bunch of pictures in the frame and we recently swapped out a few for better pictures.  Our families don't live locally and we're trying to make sure we have plenty of pictures of them around so the kids know their grandparents, aunt, uncles and cousins.  I saw we had a great picture of "Chloe" with the twins and after just a half a second of contemplation I put her picture in our family frame.

Chloe is a part of our family now.  As our children get older and the bond between us grows and my love for them increases I become more and more grateful to Chloe.  I still feel like I haven't been able to thank her enough.  I'll probably never feel like I have shown her enough gratitude.  I like having her picture where I can see it every day to remind me that I owe my family, to a large degree, to her.

At a time when Derek and I have to choose to be each others' family without legal rights, we choose to have Chloe be a part of our family too.  She (and a lot of her family) plan to visit us soon.  I get more and more excited counting down the days.  The relationship we have is unique.  It's strong even if we don't see each other.  It's intimate on a level that outsiders don't understand.  It's a relationship that will last for the rest of our lives even if we lose touch.  Yep...just like a family.