Stranger Danger

My kids are in full stranger danger mode.  This past week or two we have had a lot of visitors.  The kids clung to Derek or me, sometimes ventured out to the stranger for a few minutes, and then ran back to whatever daddy was closest.  It's both exhausting and sweet.  When my arms got tired of holding them I'd remind myself that this means they trust their daddies and have bonded with us.

My parents just visited for a few days and the boys certainly were suspicious of them when they first arrived.  Over the course of a few days they became much more comfortable with these new faces.  When I left the apartment the boys were content to be with grandma and grandpa.  If daddy was home, however, then grandma and grandpa became a very distant second and third place.  Oddly enough my less adventurous boy, Jeff, did a little better with new faces than my, daredevil, Aaron who often didn't go more than a few feet away from me and would bawl if I went to get the laundry or go to the bathroom. 

This happened with friends, cousins and grandparents.  Every stranger was a danger.

However...

Chloe recently came over for about an hour.  She had some donations for my workplace and I had some old clothes for her new baby cousins.  I was so happy to see her.  She arrived just as the boys woke up from a nap.  While eating, they were pretty cranky and suspicious of her...but right after waking up and before getting their milk they're always cranky and suspicious! 

After I got some food in their tummies, we went to play.  After 10 minutes or so Jeff allowed Chloe to hold him.  It's not like he immediately left me to be in her arms, but he was OK to be near her.  Aaron was, as usual, more cautious and only crawled up to her but cried if she tried to get too close.  Still, he was fascinated by her.  I really wonder if there still is some connection to her.  Maybe I'm just hoping there was a connection.  Maybe they did recognize her voice.  Maybe there is a familiar smell.  Maybe there's a sixth sense that she was OK.  We'll never know, but it made me happy to see Chloe with her surro-babies again.

The Special Book

There is a book that my friend got me.  It's not just any friend, though.  It's the Michaela in the "Michael & Michaela" story so that makes it extra special.  And the book is called Why I'm So Special: A Book About Surrogacy With Two Daddies.

Once you get past the 1970s mustache on the blonde daddy (and after you know the whole book was illustrated by a 9 year old it makes these childlike picture endearing) you get a sweet story that will help my children understand what it took to bring them into this world.  The book starts with the daddies falling in love, getting married (by a white haired lady without a single wrinkle!), going to the doctor, meeting a surrogate, etc.  You all know how this works.

As I read the book I think back on all the steps that I took to make these beautiful children.  My order was a little different.  I met the agency, met the surrogate, met the man, fell in love, had the children, and plan to get married one of these days when we have time to plan a wedding.  Oh, also there was nothing in my contract about a Paris trip and a dog.  Apparently the dads in the story decide to bring their surrogate to Pairs and buy her a French poodle to celebrate her being their surrogate.  (I hope the necklace Derek and I got our surrogate was satisfactory.)

I have tried to read this book to my kids several times.  I don't usually finish it.  The real reason I don't finish it is because Aaron and Jeff tend to grab books after a few pages.  They either close the books or try to rip the pages.  Secretly I'm a little grateful.  You see, every time I try to read this book I become emotional even after reading just a few pages.  Thinking back on my whole experience and finally becoming a dad is a little overwhelming and wonderful.  My emotions become a little more subdued as time goes on so one day I'm sure I'll be able to read the whole book.  It's pretty cool to have a book that parallels my life.  

While searching on Amazon it turns out that there are a few children's books on surrogacy besides this one.  Melissa at A Baby For You wrote a great post about some great books with same sex parents.  As the kids approach their first birthdays I thought about ordering some books as gifts.  Then again, maybe ordering something that makes me cry on an already emotional day isn't a great idea.  I might just have to buy something silly and fun like the present my brother gave us at the baby shower a year ago...

Anyone have other ideas for first birthday gifts?  (And yes, I know...paper and boxes are best for one year old birthday gifts!  I want to give them something besides those things, too.)

More Closed Doors

I recently saw these articles posted on another blog and I wanted to share them.  They just make me sad and angry.  Basically, what the articles say, is that surrogacy in India will be limited to couples who are legally married and live in a place that recognizes surrogacy.

That means single men and women, gays, and people from a slew of countries (such as France, Germany and Norway among others) will be excluded.

I live in a city that is fairly liberal.  I work in two professions one of which is fairly open minded and the other of which is extremely open minded.  I have written posts on my blogs about how pleasantly surprised I have been with the fact that people look at me as just another family even though my family has two dads.  I really don't experience a lot of discrimination on a day to day basis.  My friends, family, co-workers, parents in the baby music classes, etc. are all open and accepting.  I sometimes forget that the world is not so friendly.  Sometimes the strides that are made only apply to a select few.

I hope that these policies change quickly.  I have faithfully followed a lot of bloggers who are single, gay, and/or from countries who have been successful in India.  It makes me sad to know that others like them will not be so lucky because they waited an extra few months or a year.

Here are the articles so you can read them yourself.

http://articles.timesofindia.indiatimes.com/2013-01-18/india/36415052_1_surrogacy-fertility-clinics-home-ministry

http://www.abc.net.au/news/2013-01-15/india-surrogacy-arrangements/4465198

Success - Part Two

Woo-hoo!  I feel successful again.  This time I don't have my blog to thank, but my agency.  My agency recently contacted me and mentioned that there is a couple in another state considering surrogacy.  The process is overwhelming and they wanted to talk with someone who has been through the experience.  They asked if I would be willing to talk with them.

um...let me think about tha--

YES!!!

I'm thrilled to be able to share my experience with other people.  I'm a little jealous of surrogates who get to "mentor" other surrogates and find surro sisters.  Can I now dub myself an Internded Parent Mentor or a Agency Big Brother?  C'mon, people, I need a cool name for myself. 

This couple read my blog as well as several other blogs I'm connected with and they mentioned that the blogs have been extremely helpful as they try to fully understand what they might go through.  So, on their behalf, and as my first official duty as a Dad-To-Be-Advistor (I'll keep working on the name) I will thank of you bloggers for helping to make a difference in at least one couple's lives.

Closing The Account

Every month I get a statement from the accountant managing the escrow money telling me how much money is left in the account.  I get charged $12 a month as a maintenance fee.  I have sent the accountant several emails asking if I can close out the account and save my money because she isn't doing anything.  After all, twelve dollars will buy enough diapers for about three hours with twins or a bottle and a half worth of formula (those supplies are expensive!).  The boys are almost seven months old and I believe, according to our contract, any costs related to the pregnancy (like lost wages or counseling if necessary) would stop twelve weeks after the birth. 

A few days ago I finally got an email from the surrogacy agency telling me that I can officially close out my escrow account.  The accountant was CC'd and I wrote a follow up email to her and I have yet to hear back from her.   

This posting, however, is not about my bad escrow accountant.  It's about the fact that once the escrow account closes I believe I will be 100% done with the surrogacy contract and the process.  Chloe and I have kept in touch.  We plan to keep in touch.  I hope the kids get to know her.  However it's a little sad and scary and odd to think about this whole ordeal...over two and a half years...coming to an end.  There will be no more legal ties to each other.

(I wrote the entry above on Wednesday.  The paragraph below is from today.)

Of course, right after I think about my formal relationship with Chloe coming to an end I go home and watch my Tivo'd episode of The New Normal.  Of course this week's episode deals with the young daughter getting upset after hearing that most surrogates and intended parents don't keep in touch after the baby/babies are born.  The surrogate in the show understands the reality of this but I was just as upset as the child on the show. 

"No," I wanted to shout back.  "We DO want to keep in touch with our surrogates." 

Because this is a Hollywood sitcom and no one wants to see a little girl cry, the intended parents made the girl a godmother to their unborn child so they would be bonded forever and everyone lived happily ever after.

That's how I hope my life will be - like a sticom.  My life is shaping up to look like one.  The show does parallel my life quite a bit and, I have a hottie husband-to-be, and like the Jewish character, I had no idea what a godparent really does.  (Luckily the show explained it to me.)  Hopefully my life will continue to look like the show where is always laughter, and a happy ending.   

Success!

I have a Facebook friend.  It's one of those people I knew years and years ago, lost touch with her, reconnected with her on Facebook, caught up with each other, and now don't communicate much but we know the other is there if need be.  Well, "need be" happened.

This friend of mine recently sent me an email saying that she loves being pregnant but isn't sure she wants more kids.  Surrogacy is something she would consider.  She asked me a little bit about my surrogacy journey. 

I have to say I was thrilled she was considering this and honored she would share it with me.  It made my blog feel like a success.  One of the reasons I started this blog was to be a resource to others who are considering surrogacy.  I have shared a lot of personal details about my life and my story with friends and strangers who follow this blog and my Fatherhood blog.  Sometimes I feel I have shared too much...but then something like this happens and I'm glad I could be a resource for a friend who may now make some person or couple's dream come true.  I referred her to a surrogate who I met online who was willing to talk to her and, it turns out, doesn't live too far from my friend.  It just proves how our online community is there for each other and how valuable and powerful information can be.

I'm A Fan

The New Normal has had two episodes now and I love it.  I think it's hysterical.  I know some people think the show is only so-so but I love snarky, biting humor and I think there's a lot of it in the show's dialogue.  My friend noticed that there is no mention of contract negotiations, lawyers, doctors screening the surrogate and sperm donor, psychological evaluations, injecting medicines for weeks, etc.  Since when has Hollywood ever cared about accuracy??? 

Years ago I interpreted a sociology class that talked about the media's influence on society.  The professor talked about the portrayal of minority groups on TV and in films.  She said at first African Americans were only portrayed as slaves.  Then they won roles as janitors.  Later they took on roles as mail carriers, doctors and finally presidents.  Asian-American actors were only karate experts and masseuses.  Over time they became nurses, best friends and a Charlie's Angel.  Gays started out as hair dressers and florists but moved up to doctors and lawyers.  Her point was that first exposures to new groups are threatening to the majority and often they need to be shown as people without power.  While surrogates are not a threat to most people (although the NBC affiliate in Salt Lake City feels they are and refuses to air the show), we get a very one-sided, silly view of the surrogacy process to start.  Surrogates are new to TV...and let's not forget it's a sitcom too so we can't get too deep. 

Before I analyze this too much (too late) let's just celebrate the fact that there is a show on a major network talking about a surrogate working with a gay couple.  That's huge exposure and will hopefully give more people some insight into the wondeful, unique and powerful relationships that are created between surrogates and intended parents.

Oh...and I cried during both episodes.  No surprise there.  I was thinking back to when I was just getting started with my surrogate.  All the hopes, fears, nerves, joy and other emotions that I felt knowing that steps were happening to make my dream come true came flooding back.  I hope the show lasts a while so I can take this journey with these people.