A Journey of 1,000 Miles Begins With One Step

As you all know (since I know you are all avid readers of my blog), on April 18th I called the new egg donation agency (which is also the agency I'm using for the surrogate) to let them know I picked their donor. As I may have mentioned before, I'm very indecisive when making decisions but once I choose I never look back. After picking this donor I feel really good about my choice. I'm getting more and more excited to get this process going again. It was hard to get through the recent round of disappointments, but now I feel excited and optimistic to start. I guess each step I take makes it a little more real that it could -- and will -- happen.

I waited a few days after picking the donor and didn't hear anything from the agency. I did get money back from the previous egg donor agency. I had to put up a lot of money for travel expenses since the recent donor was out of town. My new donor is local so I don't have travel expenses. It was nice to get a chunk of money back. (Of course a huge part of that just went to taxes...ugh.)

I emailed the new egg donor agency a few days ago to make sure the money was transfered from the previous agency. I didn't hear back. I called them today to find out what is going on and to make sure things are on track because it has been 12 days. I got a few answers. Apparently my donor went to her psychological screening again (donors have to go every time they donate) and passed it. Next we're on to the medical portion of donating. Her file has yet to be sent to the doctor. That explains why I haven't heard much for these two weeks. Whew. Things are on track but we still have a lot of hurdles.

I'm a Hit in Norway

If you know me then you know I'm clearly one of the least technically savvy people on the planet...at least for my age group. I still may be better with computers than my mother, but she has learned how to Google people and forward funny emails so my lead on her is shrinking quickly. I've been blogging for over a year now and recently found out some interesting facts and figures. It looks like I can only get the statistics for the last twelve months so I think these are based only on the previous year, not the total time I've been blogging. Here's what I know...

1. Today there were 10 views on my page. Yesterday there were 9. (I'm glad to see people are checking in.)

2. I have had a total of 4,957 people read my blog. (I LOVE the support.)

3. Right now there is someone reading my blog in Slovenia.

4. I have had people read my blog in many countries. I have anywhere from 16 to 122 hits from Russia, Canada, Germany, Japan, South Africa, Belize and the Netherlands.

5. My blog has had 26 hits from people in Iran. (I'm surprised a blog about a gay Jew using a stanger's uterus isn't banned in that country.)

6. The country that likes my blog the most is Norway. Apparently there are 397 hits from people in Norway. (If the musical bombs on Broadway maybe it'll find success in Oslo and be called "Aksel and Astrid" or "Henrik and Henriette" or "Iver and Alva".)

7. The most hits on one entry was for the posting on November 30th, 2010 when "Chloe" wasn't pregnant for the second time. A total of 124 people read that entry.

8. The runner up for the most hits was for the March 2nd, 2011 entry when my cycle was delayed for 2 months. (Apparently my readers click on my blog a lot more when bad things happen than good things!)

9. I have had 40 hits through my friend's blog about his weight loss but only 13 hits from "Michaela's" blog about her surrogacy process. (Hmmm...interesting.)

10. There have been 10 searches for "Neil Patrick Harris".

I just thought this would be fun to share with everyone.

On a more serious note -- the story you've all been waiting for -- I did pick the donor who I was thinking about using a year ago. The more time I have to sit with this decision the more excited I become. One of the few Yiddish words I have learned over the years is beshert which basically mean "destiny", "fate", or "meant to be". Couples often talk about finding their mate being beshert. Picking this egg donor feels right. It feels good. It feels beshert. Now we wait and pray.

Thanks for reading, everyone. Or, as they say in Norway, "Takk!"

Everything Old is New Again

I usually believe that things happen for a reason. That's a pretty good philosophy. It works well until I don't like what's happening. Then I pretty much revert back the the "life is unfair" philosophy.

Right now I'm at a crossroad. After searching through the egg donor databases (again and again and again) my mind was overwhelmed. There were some donors I liked who were not available because they were getting married, already in a cycle, training for the Chicago Marathon, etc. There were some donors I liked who had never given birth or donated and that's a big gamble for a lot of reasons. There were some donors I liked who lived in Texas or Colorado and I had to think if I wanted to go through that process of an out of state donor again. There were so many things to factor in when choosing a donor: looks, family health history, donation history, pregnancy history, education level, geographic area, answers on the questionnaires, etc.

In the end, I found four donors who I liked. The sticking point to them all was that none of the donors had been pregnant AND donated. I have two donors who had been pregnant (one aborted and one aborted twice and had one child) and two donors who had donated before but had not produced a pregnancy as far as we know.

Picking a donor who has been pregnant is great because we know her eggs can produce a child. But we also don't know if she will pass the fertility center's screening and if she will respond well to the medication. Picking a donor who has donated before means that we know how she responds to the medication and that she has met the criteria for donating. There is less testing required upfront.

There feels like no good answer right now. Well, I should say there feels like four good options with none of them clearly better than the others.

I talked with the mean nurse yesterday who turned out to be very nice and compassionate on the phone. I didn't feel rushed with her, she was patient with me, and she even was very understanding when I started to cry a little from the stress of this decision.

I don't want to say she swayed me one direction or the other, but she told me she and the doctor were very confident in using one of the previous donors. They had worked with her on her first cycle and she responded very well to the medication. Any girl who is approved must have certain hormone levels which makes it likely that her eggs are viable and healthy. A donor's age alone makes her eggs desireable. There are definitely perks to using a woman who has had a child, but that alone is not a guarantee her eggs are better than a woman who has not had a child.

The donor I'm thinking about using is a Jewish girl who is a teacher, has a master's degree and, I believe, is working on a second master's degree. Those are important qualities to me. She has a good health history, a good work history and I like her answers to the personal questions. She is also the girl I almost picked on my first attempt. She is the one who was picked by someone else right before I was ready to commit to her. Plus, her donor number is the same interpreter number I was assigned when I worked for my first video relay company.  How crazy is that?  Out of 9,999 possible numbers we had the same number!  

Are all of these signs? Does this mean it was meant to be that she's available now and wasn't available before? Who knows. This process - to be blunt - sucks right now. Once again I feel like this is a leap of faith. It's thousands of dollars and time invested and a horrific emotional rollercoaster so approaching this on a gut feeling doesn't sit well with the part of me that is analytical and scientific.

My first donor was amazing and it didn't work out. My gut told me my second donor wasn't right but I went with her because she had some qualities I wanted. It didn't work out and, in a way, I am OK with that. I don't get gut feelings often but when I do, I feel I'm usually right. Should I follow my gut this time, or follow science?

Does anyone have a story about following a gut feeling that turned out to be right?

My Title is Wrong

I recently entitled my blog "How 1 Man + 2 Women = 1 Baby" and I might have to change that. It might be called "1 Man + 1 Women + 3 Egg Donors + a lawyer + a doctor + 3 agencies = 1 baby".

My first experience with an egg donor was amazing. I was so excited by her and her profile. She was everything I wanted. My second egg donor was kind of picked for me because I was looking for a proven, Jewish donor. There weren't many to chose from who fit that criteria. Now, I'm looking for egg donor #3. I'm still looking for a proven donor, but I'm trying to figure out what proven means. There are some donors who have donated but it didn't result in a pregnancy. And then there are some donors who have yet to donate but have a child of their own. And then there are donors who have donated but the parents froze embryos so we don't know if the eggs are viable or not. So much to think about! I believe my doctor wants me to find someone who has actually produced a child whether it was for someone else or her own child. I need to clarify that a little more, but that seems to be the safest choice.

There are two pieces of good news. First, a message from my surrogacy agency came and stated that my surrogate is on board with me even though there has been a delay. I'm thrilled to learn that I don't have to find a new surrogate. The other pretty good piece of news is that I found an egg donor I like. As I read her profile I liked her quite a bit. I got that gut feeling that we could be a match (like with donor #1 and unlike with donor #2). When I neared the end of the profile it said that she was interested in donating after talking with a gay couple who was going through the surrogacy process. That was so wonderful to hear. As I've said before, I hope my donor is comfortable with her eggs going to a gay couple in case there is any contact in the future. Not only does she seem open to it, but it seems she is inspired by it! The only negatives are that she is not available for a few months and her previous donation has not yet resulted in a pregnancy. I want the doctor to look at her profile and give me his opinion. There are definitely other donors I could choose. I see several I feel comfortable picking. But, at this moment, this one feels right. This whole process is a leap of faith and even though her eggs have not resulted in a child yet, faith and following my gut feels good at times.

Hip Hip Hoo--Shit!

People say two steps forward and one step back is still progress. Well, what do we call two steps forward and two steps back? Sucky? A waste of time? Pointless? Well, that's how I'm feeling today.

The relief and joy of getting a contract settled with my egg donor was short-lived. Just to start my day off on a sour note, about 8:30 a.m. I got an email from the nurse at the fertility clinic. The email said that my donor is a carrier of some rare disease that destroys the nerves in the brain and spinal cord. Having that gene prevents her from donating to me or anyone else in the future.


That's it. Case closed.

Gee, thanks for the personal touch. An email is a great way to hear devastating news like that!

I called the nurse to ask why this wasn't found before and if the gene is dominant or recessive. The second question was more for my own curiousity.

She called back later and left a voicemail. She didn't know if it is dominant or not (although a Google search said that you typically need to get it from both parents). This was not found in her previous donations because it wasn't screened for in the past. Every 6-12 months some agency or organization or something or other decides what needs to be screened in donors. Apparently this is a new addition. The donor and all of the families who used her eggs in previous donations must all be contacted now to know this bit of information.

On a little bit of a lighter side note, the message, at first, seemed a little annoyed. It was like I was a bother trying to get answers. But I think that's just her general tone. By the end of the message the mean nurse did say that she was sorry she had to give me this news. It sounded sincere.

Then, just to kick me while I'm down, the surrogacy agency called me and basically was harsh with me saying that Chloe wants to go to medical school so we better make this happen soon. First of all, I don't know if Chloe is set on med school any more and second of all I have no freakin' control over this! I said all we can do is ask if Chloe will stick with me a little longer. No one can force her to do this. So we'll see if my surrogate stays with me. I hope she does. I do like her.

I'm feeling a lot now. I'm frustrated with this process. I'm angry that this wasn't found previously (although I understand why now). I'm hurt that there was more admonishing than consoling from the surrogacy agency. I'm beaten down by the failures. However, I still feel like I can't give up. This is something that will define my entire life and I'm not ready to just accept that it won't happen, but I need support now. Not the "Oh...I'm sure it will happen next time" kind because I've heard that too much and you have no way of making that come true. It hurts to hear that because all the optimism in the world can't control science. I need the "I'm sorry it didn't work and I will be thinking about you" kind.

It's a Match

After some more back and forth over the last few days the egg donor and I finally came to an agreement. Whew. I'm excited that it worked out. I'm even more excited to get to write her a letter so she gets to know a little something about me. I hope that we get to learn a little about each other that humanizes this crazy, legal process that removes the human element. And, like I think I said with my first donor, I want her to feel good about her decision to donate her eggs in general and also specifically to me. Although this back and forth was stressful, it did make me think a lot about her as a person and what it must be like for her to go through this process from her end. It is making me feel grateful.

So now I wait until the end of May. And we all pray and cross our fingers and eat Life cereal for days on end again!

One Sentence

Yes, I'm about to get all dramatic on you for a minute. Be forewarned. The next sentence will be deep and profound. Ready? It's amazing how just one sentence can make you thrilled beyond belief or knock you down so hard you don't want to get up again.

Still reading? Good. Here's an explanation as to why one sentence can be exhilarating or painful.

I've been in contract negotiations for a couple weeks now with my new donor. It has been a very different experience than the first time. The first time felt very amicable and the donor seemed very open to reasonable requests and asked reasonable concessions. This time, I'm feeling like the donor is asking for a lot more. There have been times when I've felt like she is in this more for the money than for the actual donation process. I'm not naive...of course the money is a big reason why women donate eggs. I think you'd be very hard pressed to find a woman who would do this for free. But I also think that the women must get some emotional satisfaction knowing that they have helped someone create a family.

The donor did agree to register on the Sibling Donor Registry which allows me to contact her in the future in the event that my child wants some kind of contact with her. She had indicated in her assessment with the psychologist that she would be willing to do that so I think that alone made me feel like she wasn't in this 100% for the money. The fact that she would even consider some kind of contact in the future seems as though there is some emotional attachment to what she is doing.

I also kept trying to tell myself that our tough contract negotiating was just because she was trying to get what she felt she deserved, not because she is a greedy person. And the same could be said of me. I don't think I'm a bad person, but I'm asking for everything I want. You can't get what you want unless you propose it. For all I know she might think I'm greedy and don't care about her perspective.

But last Friday the big news came. It really changed my perspective on this woman and has made me excited about working with her. The mean nurse at the fertility clinic sent me an email and told me that the donor has been approved pending all of her lab work coming back. Then she added that the doctor "really likes this girl and has worked with her in two other cycles. She is a super sweet and cute girl and I really like her myself."

The fact that this nurse, who is (I won't say mean or witchy) all business and has no time to coddle anyone or deal with any of her patients' emotional states, likes my donor really made a big impression on me. The psychologist's report had some really nice things to say about her too. I like that she's smart and driven and I've been told she's a good patient and follows the doctor's orders well. I think she's attractive. But knowing that this nurse, who I consider gruff, likes my donor shows me that I am getting the eggs of a wonderful girl who knows how to connect with people in a meaningful way.

The joy was short lived. On Monday my lawyer called and said that the donor was getting...ummm...frustrated(?)...with the contract. I'm not sure if that's the right word. Apparently her previous contracts had very little negotiating. Our back and forth on the contract was making her...I don't know...upset(?). It's hard to know exactly what she's thinking because messages are passed from me to my lawyer to her lawyer to her and back the other way. My lawyer did say that she is still on board to donate. Maybe she just wanted to vent her stress(?) with this process. Maybe she wanted to express her irritation(?) with me. Maybe she isn't used to having any setbacks(?). I don't know. But it was hard to hear that she's having a less than ideal experience. I want her to feel good about her decision to donate to me. I think she still does. I also get to write a letter to her after she donates that will hopefully tell her a little more about me and show my appreciation for what she is doing for me. For now, I'm confident my lawyer understands my position and can express that clearly for me. Maybe this expression of dissatisfaction(?) from her is good because it'll make us understand each other a little more and come to a resolution. I know after hearing this I'm willing to make some more concessions because of what I've been told about her perspective in all of this. Some of her points are valid and things I can live with when I think of her as a person, not simply an anonymous donor. I'm frustrated that we have an emotional process (egg donation) clashing with a completely unemotional process (the legal system). Hopefully we'll meet in the middle in the next day or two.

On the plus side, this has given me an idea for a new song. I think there will be a great quartet number in the "Michael and Michaela" musical called "Telephone." We'll watch the message change as it goes from the donor to me through the lawyers just like "The Rumor" in Fiddler on the Roof. It'll be a great comedic song!