Grooooooooow babies!!

How 2 men + 2 women - sex + science = 2 babies!!

This is the funny, heart-warming, tearful, inspiring, and shocking truth about my journey to have a child.

How a man, another man, a woman, another woman, a couple lawyers, a few doctors, a psychologist, a couple social workers and some agencies make a baby.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

One Sentence

Yes, I'm about to get all dramatic on you for a minute. Be forewarned. The next sentence will be deep and profound. Ready? It's amazing how just one sentence can make you thrilled beyond belief or knock you down so hard you don't want to get up again.

Still reading? Good. Here's an explanation as to why one sentence can be exhilarating or painful.

I've been in contract negotiations for a couple weeks now with my new donor. It has been a very different experience than the first time. The first time felt very amicable and the donor seemed very open to reasonable requests and asked reasonable concessions. This time, I'm feeling like the donor is asking for a lot more. There have been times when I've felt like she is in this more for the money than for the actual donation process. I'm not naive...of course the money is a big reason why women donate eggs. I think you'd be very hard pressed to find a woman who would do this for free. But I also think that the women must get some emotional satisfaction knowing that they have helped someone create a family.

The donor did agree to register on the Sibling Donor Registry which allows me to contact her in the future in the event that my child wants some kind of contact with her. She had indicated in her assessment with the psychologist that she would be willing to do that so I think that alone made me feel like she wasn't in this 100% for the money. The fact that she would even consider some kind of contact in the future seems as though there is some emotional attachment to what she is doing.

I also kept trying to tell myself that our tough contract negotiating was just because she was trying to get what she felt she deserved, not because she is a greedy person. And the same could be said of me. I don't think I'm a bad person, but I'm asking for everything I want. You can't get what you want unless you propose it. For all I know she might think I'm greedy and don't care about her perspective.

But last Friday the big news came. It really changed my perspective on this woman and has made me excited about working with her. The mean nurse at the fertility clinic sent me an email and told me that the donor has been approved pending all of her lab work coming back. Then she added that the doctor "really likes this girl and has worked with her in two other cycles. She is a super sweet and cute girl and I really like her myself."

The fact that this nurse, who is (I won't say mean or witchy) all business and has no time to coddle anyone or deal with any of her patients' emotional states, likes my donor really made a big impression on me. The psychologist's report had some really nice things to say about her too. I like that she's smart and driven and I've been told she's a good patient and follows the doctor's orders well. I think she's attractive. But knowing that this nurse, who I consider gruff, likes my donor shows me that I am getting the eggs of a wonderful girl who knows how to connect with people in a meaningful way.

The joy was short lived. On Monday my lawyer called and said that the donor was getting...ummm...frustrated(?)...with the contract. I'm not sure if that's the right word. Apparently her previous contracts had very little negotiating. Our back and forth on the contract was making her...I don't know...upset(?). It's hard to know exactly what she's thinking because messages are passed from me to my lawyer to her lawyer to her and back the other way. My lawyer did say that she is still on board to donate. Maybe she just wanted to vent her stress(?) with this process. Maybe she wanted to express her irritation(?) with me. Maybe she isn't used to having any setbacks(?). I don't know. But it was hard to hear that she's having a less than ideal experience. I want her to feel good about her decision to donate to me. I think she still does. I also get to write a letter to her after she donates that will hopefully tell her a little more about me and show my appreciation for what she is doing for me. For now, I'm confident my lawyer understands my position and can express that clearly for me. Maybe this expression of dissatisfaction(?) from her is good because it'll make us understand each other a little more and come to a resolution. I know after hearing this I'm willing to make some more concessions because of what I've been told about her perspective in all of this. Some of her points are valid and things I can live with when I think of her as a person, not simply an anonymous donor. I'm frustrated that we have an emotional process (egg donation) clashing with a completely unemotional process (the legal system). Hopefully we'll meet in the middle in the next day or two.

On the plus side, this has given me an idea for a new song. I think there will be a great quartet number in the "Michael and Michaela" musical called "Telephone." We'll watch the message change as it goes from the donor to me through the lawyers just like "The Rumor" in Fiddler on the Roof. It'll be a great comedic song!

1 comment:

  1. I cant wait to watch the movie now that I have been reading the book. Keep up the good work and print all this, put it in a binder, and keep it for the baby book!