Hip Hip Hoo--Shit!

People say two steps forward and one step back is still progress. Well, what do we call two steps forward and two steps back? Sucky? A waste of time? Pointless? Well, that's how I'm feeling today.

The relief and joy of getting a contract settled with my egg donor was short-lived. Just to start my day off on a sour note, about 8:30 a.m. I got an email from the nurse at the fertility clinic. The email said that my donor is a carrier of some rare disease that destroys the nerves in the brain and spinal cord. Having that gene prevents her from donating to me or anyone else in the future.


That's it. Case closed.

Gee, thanks for the personal touch. An email is a great way to hear devastating news like that!

I called the nurse to ask why this wasn't found before and if the gene is dominant or recessive. The second question was more for my own curiousity.

She called back later and left a voicemail. She didn't know if it is dominant or not (although a Google search said that you typically need to get it from both parents). This was not found in her previous donations because it wasn't screened for in the past. Every 6-12 months some agency or organization or something or other decides what needs to be screened in donors. Apparently this is a new addition. The donor and all of the families who used her eggs in previous donations must all be contacted now to know this bit of information.

On a little bit of a lighter side note, the message, at first, seemed a little annoyed. It was like I was a bother trying to get answers. But I think that's just her general tone. By the end of the message the mean nurse did say that she was sorry she had to give me this news. It sounded sincere.

Then, just to kick me while I'm down, the surrogacy agency called me and basically was harsh with me saying that Chloe wants to go to medical school so we better make this happen soon. First of all, I don't know if Chloe is set on med school any more and second of all I have no freakin' control over this! I said all we can do is ask if Chloe will stick with me a little longer. No one can force her to do this. So we'll see if my surrogate stays with me. I hope she does. I do like her.

I'm feeling a lot now. I'm frustrated with this process. I'm angry that this wasn't found previously (although I understand why now). I'm hurt that there was more admonishing than consoling from the surrogacy agency. I'm beaten down by the failures. However, I still feel like I can't give up. This is something that will define my entire life and I'm not ready to just accept that it won't happen, but I need support now. Not the "Oh...I'm sure it will happen next time" kind because I've heard that too much and you have no way of making that come true. It hurts to hear that because all the optimism in the world can't control science. I need the "I'm sorry it didn't work and I will be thinking about you" kind.