To Freeze Or Not To Freeze, That Is The Question

It came again: that letter from the company that freezes embryos.  If memory serves me correctly this is the third years I've had to make a decision.  In 2010 I had my first embryos.  They were frozen of course.  By the end of 2010 I had one embryo and was advised to find a new egg donor, but I still kept that one embryo from the first donor.  In 2011 I had success with a new egg donor, transfered two fresh embryos and froze seven, I believe.

In 2012, about five months after the kids were born, I got my yearly bill again and decided to keep the embryos.  All sorts of "what if..." scenarios ran through my head and I was barely functioning due to the lack of sleep.  I wasn't ready to make any kind of big decision at that time.

It's now 2013 and I am blessed to have two happy, healthy, 15-month old boys and I'm pretty sure my baby making days are behind me, but only 99% sure.  There is still a little "what if..." way in the back of my head. 

I found out some interesting information about freezing sperm, eggs and embryos.  Here's what everyone should know...

1. Sperm, to put it bluntly, is not valuable at all.  We all knew this.  I asked if there was anything that science could do with my frozen sperm and was told no. 
2. Embryos can be discarded completely, donated to science for research, or donated to another person for him/her/them to use.  In my particular circumstance I had agreed in my contract not to donate my embryos to other people.
3. If I choose to discard the embryos completely they are held for 60 days in case I change my mind.  After 60 days they will be discarded.
4. If I choose to donate the embryos to science there are a lot of steps/parts.  After signing a consent form the embryos will stay frozen until they match the needs of a research project.  The woman I spoke with said she had been working at the lab for two years and has yet to have any embryos qualify for a project.  If the embryos are picked for research I will be contacted and I will have to sign a second form agreeing that I want my embryos donated.  But if, at that time, I decide not to donate my embryos to research, I can decide to reclaim my embryos and pay all the fees for storage in arrears. 

I'm wondering if anyone else has gone through this process and has any thoughts on it.  I don't want to be overly dramatic and say that this is the hardest decision of my life.  It's not.  But it's definitely a weighty decision.  If you have a perspective on this let me know. You can share it in a comment or contact me directly at mikeybruce@aol.com.  Thanks.

The Birth

Is there anything baby/pregnancy/surrogacy related that doesn't make me cry?  Apparently not.  Although I was a fan of the TV show The New Normal when it first came out I have to say that I'm liking it less and less as time goes on.  The grandmother changed personalities in an episode and a half, Nene Leakes is an awful actress and one of the dads is so self-absorbed sometimes it's hard to like him.  Nevertheless, I'm still going to keep watching because it's a story about a Jewish and non-Jewish pair of dads (one doctor and one in the entertainment field) who used a surrogate to have a son.  You can't get too much closer to my life! 

Last week the surrogate gave birth!  While the dads were in the middle of a crazy wedding ceremony the surrogate went into labor.  (What a shock.  No one has ever gone into labor in the middle of a wedding in a sit-com.)

While the show may not win any Emmys, what it did do was bring back all those memories from a year ago.  I still remember Chloe calling me with such a calm voice saying that the doctor was going to send her over to the hospital to be induced.  I remember calling Derek 20 times (who was in a meeting without his phone or pager) as I scrambled around my home trying to figure out what the heck I needed to bring to the hospital.  I remember wandering the hospital hallways trying to stay awake as the hours wore on.  I remember Chloe being wheeled into the OR and Derek and I wondering how long it would be until we met our children and found out if they were boys or girls or one of each.  I remember the nurse coming in and telling us our children were born.  I remember the nurse handing me Aaron and a bottle of milk and me telling her I didn't know what I was doing.  I remember seeing Chloe a half hour after birth wrapped up in warm blankets, shivering and wishing she was strong enough at that moment to hold the two beautiful babies she carried.  I remember having to psych myself up to give Chloe her thank you present and card before we said goodbye to her in the hospital.  And I remember crying as we said our goodbyes.

Of course it wasn't a final goodbye.  Chloe and I have kept in touch and she came to the kids' first birthday party.  She even wore the necklace we got her as her thank you present.

So although the show isn't amazing, watching the show this season helps me remember some wonderful memories: being matched with a surrogate, finding an egg donor, transferring embryos, going to ultrasounds and, of course, the birth of my kids.  I hope the show continues on for another few years.  It'll be interesting to see if the relationship between the dads and surrogate continues mimic my real life and my relationship with Chloe.

One Year Later

It has been a year since the birth of my twins and and believe me that not a day goes by when I don't think of Chloe.  (Luckily I get to see her from time to time too!)  She has changed my life in a way that is indescribable.  So, to show my appreciation, I "stole" this great picture from Melissa.

Thank you, Chloe, for touching my life in the most profound way.

Here are a couple pictures to show what a difference a year makes.  Enjoy the videos of their first cupcakes and all my current adventures at my fatherhood blog.   

Aaron and Jeff the first moment I saw them

Aaron

Jeff

Stranger Danger

My kids are in full stranger danger mode.  This past week or two we have had a lot of visitors.  The kids clung to Derek or me, sometimes ventured out to the stranger for a few minutes, and then ran back to whatever daddy was closest.  It's both exhausting and sweet.  When my arms got tired of holding them I'd remind myself that this means they trust their daddies and have bonded with us.

My parents just visited for a few days and the boys certainly were suspicious of them when they first arrived.  Over the course of a few days they became much more comfortable with these new faces.  When I left the apartment the boys were content to be with grandma and grandpa.  If daddy was home, however, then grandma and grandpa became a very distant second and third place.  Oddly enough my less adventurous boy, Jeff, did a little better with new faces than my, daredevil, Aaron who often didn't go more than a few feet away from me and would bawl if I went to get the laundry or go to the bathroom. 

This happened with friends, cousins and grandparents.  Every stranger was a danger.

However...

Chloe recently came over for about an hour.  She had some donations for my workplace and I had some old clothes for her new baby cousins.  I was so happy to see her.  She arrived just as the boys woke up from a nap.  While eating, they were pretty cranky and suspicious of her...but right after waking up and before getting their milk they're always cranky and suspicious! 

After I got some food in their tummies, we went to play.  After 10 minutes or so Jeff allowed Chloe to hold him.  It's not like he immediately left me to be in her arms, but he was OK to be near her.  Aaron was, as usual, more cautious and only crawled up to her but cried if she tried to get too close.  Still, he was fascinated by her.  I really wonder if there still is some connection to her.  Maybe I'm just hoping there was a connection.  Maybe they did recognize her voice.  Maybe there is a familiar smell.  Maybe there's a sixth sense that she was OK.  We'll never know, but it made me happy to see Chloe with her surro-babies again.

The Special Book

There is a book that my friend got me.  It's not just any friend, though.  It's the Michaela in the "Michael & Michaela" story so that makes it extra special.  And the book is called Why I'm So Special: A Book About Surrogacy With Two Daddies.

Once you get past the 1970s mustache on the blonde daddy (and after you know the whole book was illustrated by a 9 year old it makes these childlike picture endearing) you get a sweet story that will help my children understand what it took to bring them into this world.  The book starts with the daddies falling in love, getting married (by a white haired lady without a single wrinkle!), going to the doctor, meeting a surrogate, etc.  You all know how this works.

As I read the book I think back on all the steps that I took to make these beautiful children.  My order was a little different.  I met the agency, met the surrogate, met the man, fell in love, had the children, and plan to get married one of these days when we have time to plan a wedding.  Oh, also there was nothing in my contract about a Paris trip and a dog.  Apparently the dads in the story decide to bring their surrogate to Pairs and buy her a French poodle to celebrate her being their surrogate.  (I hope the necklace Derek and I got our surrogate was satisfactory.)

I have tried to read this book to my kids several times.  I don't usually finish it.  The real reason I don't finish it is because Aaron and Jeff tend to grab books after a few pages.  They either close the books or try to rip the pages.  Secretly I'm a little grateful.  You see, every time I try to read this book I become emotional even after reading just a few pages.  Thinking back on my whole experience and finally becoming a dad is a little overwhelming and wonderful.  My emotions become a little more subdued as time goes on so one day I'm sure I'll be able to read the whole book.  It's pretty cool to have a book that parallels my life.  

While searching on Amazon it turns out that there are a few children's books on surrogacy besides this one.  Melissa at A Baby For You wrote a great post about some great books with same sex parents.  As the kids approach their first birthdays I thought about ordering some books as gifts.  Then again, maybe ordering something that makes me cry on an already emotional day isn't a great idea.  I might just have to buy something silly and fun like the present my brother gave us at the baby shower a year ago...

Anyone have other ideas for first birthday gifts?  (And yes, I know...paper and boxes are best for one year old birthday gifts!  I want to give them something besides those things, too.)

More Closed Doors

I recently saw these articles posted on another blog and I wanted to share them.  They just make me sad and angry.  Basically, what the articles say, is that surrogacy in India will be limited to couples who are legally married and live in a place that recognizes surrogacy.

That means single men and women, gays, and people from a slew of countries (such as France, Germany and Norway among others) will be excluded.

I live in a city that is fairly liberal.  I work in two professions one of which is fairly open minded and the other of which is extremely open minded.  I have written posts on my blogs about how pleasantly surprised I have been with the fact that people look at me as just another family even though my family has two dads.  I really don't experience a lot of discrimination on a day to day basis.  My friends, family, co-workers, parents in the baby music classes, etc. are all open and accepting.  I sometimes forget that the world is not so friendly.  Sometimes the strides that are made only apply to a select few.

I hope that these policies change quickly.  I have faithfully followed a lot of bloggers who are single, gay, and/or from countries who have been successful in India.  It makes me sad to know that others like them will not be so lucky because they waited an extra few months or a year.

Here are the articles so you can read them yourself.

http://articles.timesofindia.indiatimes.com/2013-01-18/india/36415052_1_surrogacy-fertility-clinics-home-ministry

http://www.abc.net.au/news/2013-01-15/india-surrogacy-arrangements/4465198

Success - Part Two

Woo-hoo!  I feel successful again.  This time I don't have my blog to thank, but my agency.  My agency recently contacted me and mentioned that there is a couple in another state considering surrogacy.  The process is overwhelming and they wanted to talk with someone who has been through the experience.  They asked if I would be willing to talk with them.

um...let me think about tha--

YES!!!

I'm thrilled to be able to share my experience with other people.  I'm a little jealous of surrogates who get to "mentor" other surrogates and find surro sisters.  Can I now dub myself an Internded Parent Mentor or a Agency Big Brother?  C'mon, people, I need a cool name for myself. 

This couple read my blog as well as several other blogs I'm connected with and they mentioned that the blogs have been extremely helpful as they try to fully understand what they might go through.  So, on their behalf, and as my first official duty as a Dad-To-Be-Advistor (I'll keep working on the name) I will thank of you bloggers for helping to make a difference in at least one couple's lives.