The Goodbye

As you all know by now my twins were born in the wee small hours of the morning of March 27th.  Chloe did an amazing job of helping them grow big enough to not have to stay in the NICU.  We were all discharged a couple days later.  We did, however, have about two and a half days in the hospital together and I wanted to write a little bit about that.

When Derek and I talked with the staff at the hospital as Chloe was going into labor a few times they asked us directly or indirectly about whether or not we wanted to see Chloe or be on the same floor with her after the delivery.  The first time I heard the question I was a little taken aback.  Of course we wanted to be near her!  Then I remembered that not everyone has a great experience with their surrogate.  Some surrogate/IP relationships are all business and after the babies are born there is no more contact.  For me, that wasn't going to work, but I respect that situation may be the right choice for others.  So every time we were asked a question about our situation after the delivery I strongly answered that we wanted Chloe to see the babies and hold them and be near us.

The first time she got to see the twins was about half an hour after the delivery.  After the twins were born Derek and I were ushered into a room to meet them as the hospital staff continued to assess them.  At one point we were told that Chloe was in the room next door.  I looked over and saw what looked to be a sliding door.

"You mean she's there?" I asked, pointing towards the door.  "Can we open up the door now?"

The staff obliged after knowing we were OK with that arrangement.  I have to give the staff credit for respecting our wishes and the wishes of other IPs.

Soon after that Chloe went to a recovery room and I think it was about 12 hours later she came to our makeshift room where Derek and I got to stay so she could officially meet and hold the twins.  I loved seeing them together.  Of course we took pictures and talked and I probably cried a few times.  You all know that's what I do.

Since Chloe was in the room right next door we would visit with her once or twice a day.  The night before we were discharged I felt so overwhelmed trying to figure out what we could say before our final goodbye.  We knew it wasn't a "we'll never see you again" but it was the end of our contract and now we'd have to navigate our relationship post-pregnancy.

We had a card and a gift for Chloe and after hours of trying to figure out just how to say thank you I gave up and wrote a message that would just have to suffice because nothing can really thank a surrogate enough.  I wanted to post a picture of the card and gift.  I bought the card because I thought it was pretty and because the two little pearls reminded me of our two sweet embryos.  The necklace is a fire opal that Derek and I found during our Mexico trip.  I thought it was special since I had never seen that stone before and it was striking so we thought it would make a nice gift.

It was hard to say that goodbye.  So far, almost a month after delivery, we have shared pictures and seen Chloe once with the twins.  I hope we continue to be in contact and it'll be by choice, not by legal obligation.  Still, that final night in the hospital and then the actual final goodbye the next day when she was discharged was hard.

I hope Chloe will be able to see the twins are OK through my fatherhood blog.  Speaking of which, if you're not following it, you should.  My pregnancy journey was fascinating, but my fatherhood stories will be out of this world...if I'm ever awake enough to write them.  Raising twins is tiring!

The First Nine Months

I recently saw a surrogate write a blog entry talking about how great the kids were who she gave birth to and she was so modest she said that she couldn't really take credit for their greatness.  Well, I have to disagree.  She did more than she knew.

Two summers ago, as I was getting ready for the first transfer, my Time magazine arrived in my mailbox with a pregnant woman on the cover and the words "How the first nine months shape the rest of your life" (or something like that). 

"Don't read it," Derek said. 

He knows I worry a lot.

"I have to read it," I said.

I did.

And then I worried. 

You see, I was so concerned on finding the right egg donor because I wanted the right DNA for my children.  I looked for certain qualities thinking that my surrogate would just magically make kids with all those qualities because they were in the egg.  But this article made me realize that my surrogate had a ton of influence as to who my kids will be.  And after getting to know Chloe over almost two years I have to say I am glad I chose her.  I think she made some amazing children.

The article is kind of lengthy, but please read it.  Here is a link to Fetal Origins: How the First Nine Months Shape the Rest of Your Life

The Next Chapter - Fatherhood

I have been debating if I was going to continue blogging after the twins were born.  When I started blogging I was sure I would not continue.  I thought my blog would be for my children to know what I went through to have them and to help others in the same position as me gain support for their journeys.  Once the children arrived I thought I wouldn't see a need to continue my writing.  However, that has changed.

Blogging has allowed me to do the following...

1. Document my desire to have my children so my children know their story like I had hoped.

2. Document my story so I remember the strength I had to take this journey and the support I got from family and friends.  .

3. Allow my friends and family to share my joys with me.

4. Learn from other bloggers and read some amazing stories.

5. Make some (virtual) friends as I follow their blogs and connect with others in the same situation.

6. Enjoy some creative writing.

Several of you have posted comments asking me to continue blogging.  You have no idea how good that makes me feel.  We all want to feel our lives have value and it's touching to know that many of you -- who haven't even met me -- care about my life, my children's lives, and our stories.

Although I have a few more posts left regarding surrogacy, this blog will probably come to a close soon.  However, I do plan to continue writing on new blog.  This will be a blog about fatherhood.  I hope that this blog will serve as a record to my children, help me connect with my family and friends (near, far and virtual) and allow Chloe to follow the lives of the children she helped to bring into this world.

The new blog is

http://michaelsfatherhoodexperience.blogspot.com/

I'm hoping you all will be willing to join this blog too.  I feel I have connected with so many of you in the surrogacy/IP world and I will continue reading your stories because they bring me such joy.  Hopefully my stories will bring you joy as well.

The Thank You Entry

I'm sure there are so many people I'm going to forget to thank.  This is like an Oscar speech and everyone looks back and thinks, "Oh...I should have thanked so-and-so.  I can't believe I forgot him/her."  So, If I have forgotten you, please don't take it personally.  Just look again and know that you are in included in "everyone else."  ;-)

Thank you to...

My surrogacy agency

The fertility doctor who gave me some definitive advice when I needed it (Just a Little Dab of Super Glue)

Egg donation agency #1 who guided me through the process the first time when I didn't know what I was doing and egg donor #1 (I Put All My Eggs In One Basket...)

Egg donation agency #2 and egg donor #2 (Back to Square Two)

Egg donation agency #3 (same as my surrogacy agency) and egg donor #3 (I Should Go To Vegas)

My lawyer who was awesome and treated me as a person going through an emotional journey and not just a client

Anne who talked me down during my panic attacks when this process was overwhelming

Kristine S. who I had only spoken to on Facebook for the last 20 years and told me to call her immediately when I was going through a rough patch and proved she is a true friend (She Likes Me...She Really Likes Me)

The elderly nurse who gave me a funny blog entry when I had to make my donation (Warning: Adult Content)

My former neighbor and the cashier at Babies R Us who made me realize that being gay parents won't get me weird looks because the world is accepting us more and more (Gay Parents in 2011)

Dr. L. and Barbara (my doctor friends) who answered my questions every time I bugged them

Arika, Amy, Kim, Joel, Carlyn, and Paula for parenting advice (and others who I'm sure I'm missing)

Meghan who became my twin expert

Christian and Kristine for helping navigate the baby registry and for recommending a good obgyn (Thank Goodness For Mark Zuckerberg)

Kirsten and Marty for making the baby registry day more fun and for their support (A Different Kind of Wish)

My interpreting community who was so excited for me and loved to look at ultrasound pictures (The Wee-Wee Or Hoo-Ha Appointment)

Tonya who was my first "friend" in the blogosphere universe and helped me realize I wasn't going through this alone (Babydreams2011)

All the bloggers who have become my e-family now and have given me inspiration, laughs and support (My Online Family)

Abby A. and Sheila for their beautiful baby gifts that were given to me before Derek and I had babies coming (I'm At a Loss For Words)

My Mexican dinner friends (Abby, Bethany, Jeff and Paula) who had dinner with Derek and me after the successful transfer and a special thanks to Bethany for wearing her "pregnancy dress" for good luck

Everyone who helped to organize the two baby showers and everyone who attended and helped us get the things we needed to take care of the babies (Baby Shower #1)

My 4 (yep...FOUR) friends who were serious about being my egg donor.  Your faith in me being a dad and friendship means so much. (I Put All My Eggs In One Basket...And Then the Basket Broke)

Neil Patrick Harris even though he still hasn't commented on my blog.  I'm hoping he really does follow the blog and will post something one day.  (I'm The Next Neil Patrick Harris)

Tiffany (a.k.a. Michaela) who provided amazing support while went through surrogacy together and came up with some great song ideas for our musical (My Friend Michaela)

My family (The Grandmothers To Be)

Derek (My Better Half)

Everyone else who provided support to me

And of course Chloe who stuck with me through all the ups and downs and gave me two beautiful children (The Nicest Email)

I love looking back at this journey as it nears its completion.  As you can see, these babies have had so much love and support since before they were even embryos.  This journey has been incredible.  It has been an experience like no other and very few people get to go through the extreme heartache and celebration that comes with something like this.  I hope that those of you going through this process have the same success I did.  I know how strong the feelings are to become a parent and I feel so fortunate to make my dreams come true and I want the same for everyone else with that passion.  I also have to thank egg donors and surrogates for what they do.  Some of the blogs I have seen have a picture that says, "I make families.  What's your special power?"  There are very few powers that can compete with what these women do for people like me.  So thank you and know that not a day will go by that we don't thank you for your help.

Pictures!

They're finally here.  You all get to see pictures -- and a couple of videos -- of the cutest babies on earth.  They are, in fact, the cutest babies on earth as judged by Derek and me.  And I swear we were completely unbiased judges.  ;-)

Aaron and Jeff's first picture

Me with the twins

Jeff and Aaron wearing the hats the surrogate made

The first family portrait

Sleeping Aaron

Sleeping Jeff

They love each other

Derek also is turning into quite the camera man.  Here is a video of Derek holding the babies when they are three days old.  It's "The Twins Making Derek Fall In Love With Them."

And Derek somehow had the sense to film "Aaron's First Feeding."  We had been awake for almost 24 hours and he still had the skill and the sense to capture this beautifully.